


To Give Anything

by cunttwatula



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Alternate Universe, Demisexuality, Hurt/Comfort, Journey, KuroFai Gift Exchange, M/M, Post-Apocalypse, sad boys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 15:10:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13390476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cunttwatula/pseuds/cunttwatula
Summary: Breaking hearts, in the dead of winter, set out to find the glue that once held them together.





	1. Persistence

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tsubasafan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsubasafan/gifts).



> Welp... let me start out by saying I feel terrible. Not because this story is particularity sad or tragic, but because this was due almost a week ago and it's still not finished. This breaks my flawless 6 year streak of never posting a work that is not already entirely written - I'm nervous.
> 
> That being said! 
> 
> To my giftee: I hope you enjoy this! I cannot thank you enough for your patience with me, trust me I'm beating myself up about this and will finish this when I can. I've never posted something I haven't finished and I'm not about to sully my reputation by leaving this in complete. In the mean time here is part one of four. Universe willing, this won't top 30k words.... but man does it look like it might. 
> 
> To anybody new to my fanfiction read this disclaimer:
> 
> While I **sincerely** do not think this story is particularly tragic or angsty compared to other things I've been known to write , please know I do not tag for anything that spoils my plot. If at any point you feel uncomfortable reading what I have written, please either contact me on tumblr to ask about specific things or stop reading. This work is tagged as Mature because I anticipate a mature audience capable of making decisions regarding their own media consumption.

The communicator’s mic crackles when Fai changes it over to the correct frequency. Adjusting the pillows stuffed in the small of his back, he leans against the wall, and pulls his legs up to support his wrist, immediately the holographic interface appears. He raises his opposite hand and scrolls through the commands until he find the video recording feature.

Fai frowns at his own reflection, his face is dirty because he hasn’t had hot water to shower in days. His hair isn’t much better, it looks greasy even on the screen. It doesn’t feel much better when he tries to comb through it with his fingers so if this video  _ does _ get seen he looks like he’s well and not a week away from being penniless. He glances at the circular red icon in the bottom right corner of the screen. With a deep breath he looks directly into his own reflection, “Begin recording.”

“Log date: 12.04 - 01.01 - 025PA. Day four hundred and eighty-two since your last communication and three days since my last nightmare. I dreamed of the hole again, but it was different. 

“Normally, it’s just us. We’re running through a random building in the city - overgrown with green and full of rot. We run into a room at the end of a long hallway and shut the door behind us. Half of the room has been blown away, no doubt a scar from the war. We bar the door with a rusty filing cabinet, the mutant dogs are pretty small, but better safe than sorry. 

“We turn to look at eachother and laugh because - what a rush. Ya know? Then all at once you’re falling away from me into a hole so black that once you’ve fallen it’s like you were never there to begin with. 

“I call after you like I normally do, but then there’s a hand on my shoulder. It’s- “ Fai pauses. “... warm? There’s not really a temperature just a presence. It’s almost like it’s you. It feels like you. I can feel myself hope, I think because subconsciously I know I’ve had this dream a hundred times - at least it feels like a hundred times.” He laughs without humor

“I turn, it’s not you behind me, but I can’t make out who it is. The sun shines so brightly behind them it hides their face and -” another breath. “I’m scared. Part of me is so scared because you’ve just fallen and I don’t know where you are, but this - this  _ shadow _ \- I almost feel like things are nearly right. Like they are almost okay.”

Fai leans to his right and pulls the space heater closer to his mattress. “Sorry,” he apologizes to a person who isn’t there for his sudden lack of conversation. “Heat went out again. The building’s heating unit keeps breaking.” He licks his lips. contemplatively. “Everybody keeps telling me to stop this. They say that you’re gone and you’re not coming back, but I can’t accept that. I can’t. I won’t, because if you are gone then you’ve taken part of me with you that I can never get back.”

He clears his nose and wipes a tear from his eyes. “Turn your communicator back on Jian. Please.”

 

***

 

The back alleyways of the safe zone are crowded with the homeless and nearly homeless. The sea of people takes on a life of it’s own, like churning waves on the stormiest of nights. Breathing as the crowd opens and contracts around each individual person like a rib cage around a pair of lungs. 

Along the walls, entwined with the various areas of the tent city, merchants set up tin roof stalls to sell various things. Most popular are the handmade cloth and scavenged tech to a time not even half a century past. Fai shoulders his way through the crowd, pulling his hood up high over his head to protect his face from the drizzle. 

Up ahead he spots a red hood bobbing through the crowd and pulls his jacket tighter.  _ Street rat,  _ he thinks to himself just as he’s shoulder checked from behind. He turns to look, but they’re gone. Almost immediately he’s shoulder checked from the front, a red hood passing in his peripheral. 

“Shit,” Fai pats his pockets, his wallet is gone. He grits his teeth and takes off after the red hood. Under normal circumstances Fai wouldn’t mind letting the street kids swipe a unit or two off of him, but not today. He’s been saving months to buy this expansion chip for his communicator and they’ve just taken his whole savings. 

He works against the momentum of the crowd, shoving people out of the way as he chases the spot of red in the sea of bodies. He spys the red hood veering off towards an alleyway. “Fuck,” he pushes at the crowd more frantically. If they disappear down the alley he’ll lose them, along with every last unit he has, and any hope of finding Jian.

Fai breaks free from the crowd milliseconds after the kid turns down the backstreet, but it’s too late. He stands at the mouth of the alley and curses, “Fuck!” He begins to pace as his face grows hot with frustration. He puts his forearm to his mouth to hide the grimace beneath. “Okay. Okay,” he speaks to himself. “This is fine. Which kids are running Hovell street? Brushers? No, they’re on Fallout. The Cinder Blocks?” Fai slaps his palms against his temples. “Think! Fucking think!”

Somebody grabs his wrists from behind, “Stop that you idiot. It’s not like you have enough brain cells to spare.” 

Fai turns at the sound of a familiar voice, his wrist still caught above his head. “Kurogane,” he breathes out the name as a sigh of relief. 

In Kurogane’s opposite hand is a child, caught in his grasp, by the collar  “It’s the Sounders.” 

“What?”

Kurogane throws Fai’s wrist away from himself. “The Sounders run Hovell.”

Fai rubs his wrist. “Oh.” 

Kurogane gives the kid a firm shove forward, not enough to make him fall, but enough to make him stumble. “Give it.”

The small boy, no older than twelve, scowls and fishes Fai’s wallet from the inside of his jacket. “Can I go now?”

“Yeah, just stay out of trouble.”

The boy whistles and his red hooded counterpart steps out from behind a dumpster. “What happened?”

“I don’t know. That scary guy just came out of nowhere and dragged me over here.” 

Fai looks through the wallet in his hand. Every unit is accounted for. Pushing his fringe back behind his ear he looks up, “Thank you. How did you -”

Kurogane waves him off, “Don’t worry about it.”

“Oh.” Fai looks away and crosses his arms over his chest. “You, uh, you look good.”

“You look like you haven’t bathed in two weeks.”

He rolls his eyes. “So close. It’s actually only been one.”

Kurogane frowns. “I  _ told  _ you it would be fine if you stayed -”

“Well,” Fai’s head snaps up to meet Kurogane’s eyes as he raises his voice to drown out the second half of Kurogane’s sentence. “I told you to stop offering.”

Kurogane looks away first. He doesn’t want to fight with Fai, at least not here, in the middle of the street. He sighs. “They’ve been running that scam in front of my stall all week. First kid checks the mark from behind, second kid checks the mark from the front, first kid turns around and does the pickpocket, and because the red hood stands out more they follow them.”

Fai swallows with uncertainty, his friendly interactions with Kurogane are few and far inbetween nowadays. “Those street rats are getting smarter,” he says for the sake of conversation more than anything.

“Just older.”

“Mmm. Uh, shouldn’t you be at the stall”

“Tomoyo’s watching it. We saw you coming, thought you might run into the little thieves.”

“Why?”

“People talk and you haven’t been quiet about how much I’m charging you.”

“Oh.”

“I keep telling you to keep your fucking mouth shut about money.”

“If I could keep my mouth shut at all, I might listen to you.”

Kurogane snorts and turns away. “Hurry the fuck up. We got business.”

Fai follows him back through the crowd, sticking close to Kurogane’s back. It’s always easier following him, people part around Kurogane’s mere presence. It doesn't hurt that he’s broad shouldered and six inches taller than any other person in the crowd, Fai included. 

Being so close to Kurogane is awkward to say the least. Fai can’t remember the last time they were able to have a civil conversation that lasted more than a few sentences. It’s hard for him to even recount the events leading to the current status of their friendship. Jian had been the glue, and when he disappeared everything else had started to fall apart. 

“Tomoyo,” Kurogane raises his hand in greeting when they reach his stall. “Thanks for watching the stand.”

“No problem!” She grins at them, “Happy to help.”

“You do enough by helping fix the tech,” Kurogane says dismissively as he rounds the back of the stall, Fai still following close behind. “Hey. You know the rules.”

“Oh my god. It’s eff-ing raining out here. We’ve been friends for over a decade!”

He raises an eyebrow.  _ Friends  _ is a strong word considering Fai’s been doing a hell of a job avoiding him the last year, choosing only to interact with Kurogane out of necessity. “Don’t care. If you’re buying, you stand street side.” Kurogane takes a seat on a stool behind the counter. “I don’t need anybody thinking I give preferred treatment to people.”

“Trust me,” Fai side-eyes him, “Nobody thinks you give discounts.”

“It’s gonna stay that way.”

Fai scrunches up his face and mimics Kurogane, “ _ It’s gonna stay that way. _ ”

“God. You’re annoying. If we still worked together then you could do whatever the fuck you wanted.” Kurogane knows what he just said is a low blow, but he doesn’t break eye contact with Fai.

Fai rolls his mouth into a tight line. “Weren’t you the one that told me we had business.”

“Tomoyo. Get the expansion,” he says without looking away.

“Sure thing.” Tomoyo ducks down and opens a safe to take out a tiny box. She hands it over to Kurogane. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.” Kurogane opens the box and turns it to Fai. “It’s fully functional, should increase your communicators signal diameter anywhere from eighty to a hundred miles from what it already is and increase your signal strength to military level.”

Fai breaks eyes contact with Kurogane to look at the tiny piece of hardware in the box. It’s barely a centimeter long and thin as rice paper, all he has to do is install it. If Jian’s communicator is on outside of his current signal field once the expansion is installed he’ll get a return signal and all the video messages Fai has been trying to send over the last four hundred eighty-two days will finally go through. “Same price as discussed? A hundred thousand units?”

“Same.” Kurogane snaps the box closed. His shoulders drop as his turns it over in his hands. “Fai.”

This catches the man in question off guard. Kurogane almost never uses his name, choosing instead to call him any number of insults. “Yeah?”

“Are you sure about this?”

Fai’s mouth goes tight. “ _ No.  _ I went through all the bullshit of the last year to bow out at the last second.” He scoffs. “Yeah. I’m sure.”

“You’ve nearly sold yourself into poverty for this thing and -”

“Stop!”

Kurogane scowls at him and Fai scowls right back.

“Like you said, no preferential treatment street side. Now, are you going to take my money, or not?”

Kurogane sets the box on the table. “Show me the units.”

Fai sets his money on the table and waits while Kurogane counts it and then hands the money off to Tomoyo. “Here. He slides the box across the counter. Starve to death. See if I care.”

“Oh, fuck off.” Fai snatches the box and stalks off without a goodbye.

Kurogane cracks his knuckles, willing himself to calm down, but the anger builds. Operating on pure testosterone he grabs the glass bottle holding their repair tips and launches it across the stall. “Fuck!”

Behind him, Tomoyo rolls her eyes. “Weren’t you supposed to give him the muffins you bought this morning. You know, so he  _ wouldn’t  _ starve to death.”

“Shut up.”

“ _ Mmm.  _ And wasn’t he supposed to accept them and repay you by, I don’t know, returning the feelings you have for him that you’ve never told him about.”

“Seriously, lay the  _ fuck  _ off Tomoyo.”

A moment of blissful silence passes, then another, and Kurogane thinks he may have finally won against his cousin. 

“I’m not picking up the tips.”

“ _ Tch.”  _ Kurogane gets up and starts picking up the glass as Tomoyo works on a locator that was brought to them for repair. He’s feeling calm by the time he’s disposed of the broken glass and sets their tips aside in a tin can. He picks up a small engine he scavenged last week and continues working on it. Once it’s done they’ll be able to sell it for two or three thousand units. 

“You can’t make him forget about Jian.”

Kurogane sighs. “It’s not like  _ I _ forgot about Jian.”

“I know that.”

“I just didn’t let my whole life go to shit when it happened. People disappear all the time outside of the safe zone. It’s dangerous enough to go into the decontaminated zones to scavenge, but he -” Kurogane drops his hands to his lap.

“He was my best friend, but he’s gone Tomoyo and I hate watching that idiot use every unit he has to chase ghosts.”

“And?”

“Maybe if he stopped looking to the past he’d see something else.”

“He’d see you?”

Kurogane bites his nail. “I’m fucked up.”

“You’re human.”

“That doesn’t make it less fucked up for me to want the love of Jian’s life to move on so I can -” Kurogane stops short. “ _ Feel  _ something for him.”

Tomoyo sets her work down and comes behind Kurogane to give him a hug. She lays her head on his shoulder.

“What? You need to whisper your over simplified advice in my ear?”

“Nope. Situations fucked, like you said, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong for you to have feelings for Fai.”

Kurogane shakes her off. “Whatever. Get back to work.”

Tomoyo goes back to her work bench and picks up the locator.

He looks over his shoulder at her and forces himself to let go of the tension in his shoulders. “Thanks.”

 

***

 

It’s nearing midnight when Kurogane reaches Fai’s apartment, if it can even be called that. Before he disappeared, Fai had lived in an apartment with Jian overlooking the main plaza of the safe zone. This wasn’t inexpensive, they’d spent nearly fifty-thousand units purchasing the nine hundred square foot studio. 

Kurogane remembers helping the two of them move in and spending most evenings eating dinner on their couch while watching scavenged movies on an ancient dvd player that only worked because Fai had, somehow, managed to fix it.

Now Fai lives on the most east side of town in a dilapidated building made to house as many people as possible and they barely speak. Kurogane hoists his backpack higher on his shoulders and takes off across the gravel lot to the entrance of the building.

The first floor is mostly abandoned due to the flooding that happens when it rains, but the few vagrants who take up residence on the first floor don’t even have doors to hide behind. Each room is barely large enough for a mattress, a single toilet, and an overhead shower stall that has to double as a sink. It’s a literal room. 

Kurogane walks up the twelve flights of stairs to Fai’s room and knocks. The door falls open. With no sign of Fai, Kurogane rolls his eyes and keeps going until he reaches the roof. It’s there he finds Fai sitting on edge of the building’s AC unit, shivering. 

“Fucking idiot,” Kurogane says under his breath. He takes a step forward, the crunch of snow under his boot causes Fai to turn. “You’re going to freeze.”

Fai turns back to his holoscreen, lines of code disappear at the top as he types new coding.

“Really? How are you supposed to find Jian if you’re hypothermic?”

“I’m not talking to you.”

“Your loss. Tomoyo used her tips to buy you those muffins you like so much.” Fai doesn’t bite. “I brought this, too.” Kurogane pokes Fai with a bottle of vodka. “It’ll warm you up.” 

Without looking at Kurogane he takes the bottle, opens it, and takes a mouthful. It does warm him, like an injection of heat right to his blood. Fai pauses and looks up at the sky, trying to find the strength to deal with the only person who was as close to Jian as he was. “Why don’t you want to find him?”

Kurogane takes that as an invitation and pushes himself up onto the AC unit to sit next to him. Rubbing his hands together he looks off the side of the building. In the distance he can see the border of the safe zone, soldiers pass in and out of the giant flood lights as they pace the perimeter. “Wanting to find him and believing he’s alive are different.”

“He’s alive. I know he is.”

“Yeah. I know you know.”

“And  _ I _ know that  _ you _ think what I’m doing is pointless.You don’t have to be here.”

“Stop trying to pick a fight.”

“Hey, you’re the one that showed up after being a dick earlier.”

“I’m not going to apologize.”

Fai takes another sip of vodka. “I didn’t expect you to.” They fall silent. Fai continues programing the expansion modifier for his communicator. The tech is a little outdated compared to his communicator and requires more programming than he initially thought it would. Beggars can’t be choosers, especially with a part as rare as this is. “Why’d you come?”

“Because I know how you get when it doesn’t work out.”

“You’re so sure I’m going to fail. I don’t know how you guys were friends. Jian never gave up.”

“Jian also didn’t take on the impossible. You can’t make a communicator turn on.”

The snow starts to fall faster, Fai can feel his fingers going stiff from the cold. “Will you drop it if I admit I know that? I know I’m working against time. Against technology. Against resources. Against myself some of the time. It’s not easy getting up and saying, ‘I’m going to look for my probably dead boyfriend today.’” Fai takes another swig of the vodka and turns to Kurogane. “But if I didn’t do everything, and I mean  _ everything,  _ I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

Kurogane holds Fai’s gaze. He does understand, he would do the same for Fai. He has. A strand of Fai’s fringe falls in his face and Kurogane reaches out to push it behind his ear. It’s a gentle gesture that he immediately regrets because he can see everytime Jian did the exact same thing flashing before his eyes and the uncertainty on Fai’s face. Just another reminder of how far they have fallen. 

Kurogane takes his hand away and gulps down a fifth of the vodka. 

The communicator pings, indicating that the hardware has been successfully programmed. Fai closes the holo-screen and leans back, using his arms to support himself. He looks at Kurogane from the corner of his eye and gives him a little smile. His face is as grumpy-looking as ever, but Fai can see the softness after so many years of friendship.

Part of Fai knows Kurogane is just trying to protect him, but a larger, more destructive part of himself doesn’t care. “Just -” Fai pauses to lick his lips, “Will you stay with me until morning?”

“You’re going to wait for your communicator to ping all night?”

“I might wait for it the rest of my life.”

Kurogane frowns. The chill wind blows, catching Kurogane’s mumbled words and taking them away. “That’s what I don’t want for you.”

 

***

 

“Tell me again why we’re sitting on the roof when we could  be doing the same damn thing in your room.”

Fai giggles, and it sends a warmth through Kurogane that rivals the alcohol. “Jian always liked the sky. Remember when we would use his telescope to find the constellations from that book we had?” He pauses, smiling at the memory. “I guess I just feel closer to him out here. Like maybe we’re looking at the same sky. At least we have the thermo-blanket to keep us warm.”

“You mean the one  _ I _ ran to your room to get.”

“Yeah. That one.”

Fai leans into Kurogane’s side. Kurogane has to remind himself it doesn’t mean anything, they’ve been friends for so long that it’s only a gesture of comfort. He puts his arm around Fai’s shoulders and swallows his guilt. To Fai it’s only a friendly gesture, but to Kurogane it’s stolen intimacy. He turns his face into Fai’s hair, an action that’s less normal, but they’re both a little drunk on the booze now. “What happened to the telescope?”

“Sold it. Five-hundred units for a lifetime of memories.” Fai turns to look up at Kurogane. “Does it make me a bad person that I was able to put a price on the things he cared so much about?”

“Everything you’ve done, you’ve done for him. Maybe he’ll see that when you bring him home.”

Fai smiles and shakes his head. He lays it back down on Kurogane’s chest, he’s so solid and warm. “Thank you. I know you don’t believe that.”

As much as they bicker Fai wouldn’t be able to go on without him. Kurogane is Fai’s steady constant. Jian was his boat - strong, safe, a place to call home. But, Kurogane is his ocean, a never ending force taking him to where he needs to be.

 

***

 

Fai blinks awake just as the sun is beginning to rise. Immediately, he regrets how much he drank the night before. He sits up and looks to his left where Kurogane sleeps with his back against the wall. Distantly, he recalls being hoisted onto Kurogane’s back and wrapping his legs around Kurogane’s hips so Kurogane could carry him, but he doesn’t remember making it to his room.

He pushes his hair back from his face sighs as he stares at Kurogane. It’s hard for him to even conceptualize Kurogane’s kindness after how he’s treated him in the last year and a half. When Kurogane had offered comfort, Fai had pushed him away. Always keeping the one person who could see through him with unforgiving clarity as far away as possible. Yet, when Fai got too tired to push, when his sadness and bitterness consumed him, Kurogane was always there to pull him back.

With sleep-laden tenderness he reaches out and runs his finger down the bridge of Kurogane’s nose, causing him to twist his face up in annoyance. Fai smirks, and lays back down, facing Kurogane. For a moment he just stares, admiring how sleep softens Kurogane’s face to the point he’s almost unrecognizable from his conscious self. He’s handsome, Fai thinks. Not as handsome as Jian in one way, and more so in, yet, another. 

Jian had been boyish - round-faced, and full lipped, and always laughing. 

Kurogane is hard, angular, and overly serious - which was usually the reason Jian was laughing.

It’s funny how well they complimented each other. East and west. The sun and the moon. And Fai taking up the space in between. 

He raises his wrist to check for any incoming messages from the various people he works for around town only to find his communicator isn’t there. He sighs because the last thing he  _ wants  _ to do is move, but Fai gets up, throws on the minimum amount of clothing he needs to brave the snowy rooftop, and treks up million stairs to the roof, but not before Kurogane wakes.

“Where are you going?” He mumbles into the pillow without opening his eyes.

“Left my communicator on the roof.”

“Meant to grab it.”

“It’s okay. Sorry I woke you.”

For a moment Kurogane is silent, then, quietly. “‘S cold without you.”

Fai clicks his tongue, a small smile on his face. Kurogane is always soft when he’s waking up, something he knows from him always sleeping on the couch when Fai lived in an apartment that could fit a couch.

The first thing he notices when he opens the door to the roof is the steady  _ ping! -  _ of incoming messages. They echo over the roof one after another. He finds his communicator sitting at the edge of the A/C unit they had holed up on the night before.

Fai wills himself to stay calm. There could be any number of reasons he has this many notifications, though he can’t think of any off-hand. Still, the world seems to pause around him. The early morning bustle dulls to a stagnant hum. He fastens the communicator to his wrist and taps the screen to bring up the holographic projection. 

His heart stops looking at the number of notifications that read   _ One-one-nine-zero-nine-six-eight has opened your message. _ Fai’s whole body seems to vibrate with energy, and, yet, he can’t even make a sound, not even as the last video message is opened. 

He reaches out, and runs his finger over the holoscreen, causing the messages to scroll. “Jian,” A tear rolls down his cheek. “I found you,” he chokes out.

It’s like a curse, the way all the read receipts begin to disappear, one by one, after Fai says Jian’s name. “Wait. No. No!” It’s amazing how quickly he springs into action.

If the messages are being deleted remotely it means he can trace where the communicator is. It takes less than five seconds to begin tracing the signal, but the person on the other end is good at evading detection. A separate window pops up as the hacker begins to delete all the archived video diaries from the last year. “Shit!” His heart breaks, the videos are his  _ proof  _ that he’s never given up, but if he takes the bait the hacker will use the distraction to stop Fai’s signal trace, which they are already very close to doing.

Fai blinks against the tears as his fingers fly across the screen as he alternates between coding defensive algorithms and parameters for the GPS. All while watching every love letter he’s sent to Jian in the last year disappear before his eyes.

The GPS begins closing in on a twenty mile radius. Just another thirty seconds and - 

Another window pops up containing a file filled with all the archived videos of his relationship with Jian. Desperately, he looks between the file and the coding screen. The first video in the file, one of Jian walking ahead of Fai in the woods on an overcast day. The memory hits him full force, they’d sneaked out of the safe zone and went hiking a few mile south to an overlook point. When he’d asked Jian why Kurogane wasn’t with them, Jian had simply responded, “ _ Because this is a date _ .”

The video disappears, lost to it’s deletion. His chest feels heavy, he can’t breathe. He’s been fighting to keep the signal open between him and the hacker so he can trace the location of Jian’s communicator, but the only thing he can do to save his memories is allow the person on the other end close the signal while he stops them from deleting anymore videos.

It’s adrenaline that makes him type the termination code. Fai starts to breathe again in hard labored breaths. “No.” He whispers the word to himself. “Oh god, no! What did I do!” The signal on the other end is gone, along with any chance of getting the exact coordinates of Jian’s communicator.  _ It was the fastest way to stop the deletion sequence,  _ he tries to reason with himself _. _

For a long time Fai stares at his holoscreen, not really seeing it. His mind is full of static.

_ Jian. He’d been right there,  _ Fai thinks to himself once capable of thought. Wiping at his eyes, he stands. Is it self preservation, or sincere longing that drives him forward? Does holding onto hope of Jian being alive help himself, or Jian’s memory?  _ If  _ Jian is dead, does chasing his ghost hurt him or the people who loved Jian more?

His body is heavy when he stands, whatever the answer to those questions he’s been asking himself for months, he’ll choose Jian everytime. Devoid of humanity, Fai continues working with his holoscreen as he makes his way back to his room. He overlays the four square mile radius the GPS had narrowed the signal to, over a map of the surrounding area. 

The center of the four mile radius begins nearly thirty miles away from Jian’s last known location. 

“Hey.” Fai looks away from his holoscreen to see Kurogane coming up the stairwell. “Still got those muffins.”

Kurogane is the last person Fai wants to see right now, in fact he’d managed to forget Kurogane was even around. He doesn’t even get a chance to say anything before Kurogane’s face pinches with concern.

“What’s wrong?” He grabs Fai by the shoulders and struggles to find Fai’s eyes. “I know something fucking happened. It’s written all over your face.”

Fai looks to the ground, unable to find the words.

“Tell me, idiot!”

He licks his lips. “Jian,” he finally says.

“Yeah?”

“His communicator turned back on.”

The weight of Fai’s words sits between them for what feels like a long time. They stare at each other a moment longer and then Fai pushes past him. 

“Where?”

“About thirty miles from his last known location. I didn’t get an exact coordinate.”

“Did he say anything to you?”

Fai opens the door to his room. 

“Moron!”

“What!” Fai takes a deep breath. “I’m trying to process.”

“At least let me see your communicator.”

Fai tosses it to him as he turns towards his closet. For awhile he doesn’t know what he’s looking for, he just stares at the mess of clothing and random objects he either couldn’t sell or didn’t want to sell. His eyes fall on a stupid party hat they had found out on a run, they’d taken shelter from the rain in a house, only to find a table laid out for party guests. “Must of been a banging birthday party,” Jian had said.

Then he finds it, hidden amongst everything else. Fai reaches in and pulls out his hiking backpack, the one he used for long trips - before he started staying back more to actually repair the tech they found. 

He can feel Kurogane staring at him. “He’s out there.”

“He’s dead.”

Fai whips around. “You’re wrong. His communicator turned back on! He saw my messages!”

“No he didn’t!”

His mouth goes tight. “What?” Fai can barely get the word out through his rage.

“There’s nothing saying he read your messages!”

“The person on the other end started deleting the notifications!”

“Okay. Sure. If it was Jian why would he  _ do  _ that?”

Fai runs his fingers through his hair. “I - I don’t know!”

“You’re not an idiot! I know I call you one, but you’re not! Use your fucking head! It’s way more likely some asshole found Jian’s communicator and is trying to restore it!”

His hand tightens around his bag in anger. The truth of the matter is that Fai hadn’t even considered that. He looks away from Kurogane, grasping at straws to come up with an explanation. He’s able to grab hold of one, even though it’s the one that hurts most. “The person on the other end tried to delete the personal videos I have of Jian to distract me from tracing their signal. How would they have known I had those, or that I would care about them enough to stop them from being deleted, unless they  _ knew _ about them?”

They pause tension in the air. Fai comes to a sudden realization. “You think I’m lying.”

Quietly, “I don’t know what to think.”

Fai bites his lip before snarling, “I’m going.”

Kurogane starts shaking his head back and forth with disbelief. “You can’t go. It’s snowing. You’ll never get a pass out of the city. You don’t even have enough money to buy supplies for a trip that long. You sold all your equipment, your weapons.” He pauses, licks his lips, “You’ll die.”

Kurogane’s concern sits plainly on his face, it breaks Fai’s heart. It almost makes him reconsider, but if he doesn’t go now, if he waits for winter to thaw to spring, the coordinates he has probably won’t even matter. He reaches out and takes his communicator from Kurogane’s limp hand. “Will you believe me if I tell you I’m sorry?”

“Tch,” Kurogane clucks his tongue, even he can tell the sound is thick with sadness. “Fucking selfish.” He shoulder checks Fai as he walks past him. If he stays in that room any longer... it’ll break him.


	2. Distance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Kurogane goes to find Fai? Idk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again~
> 
> Would you believe I'm still working g on this story? I put it on pause for a hot minute because 1) I'm the worst, and 2) I'd written a scene and I was like "This scene sucks and isn't doing what I want it to for the overarching narrative." - but, I didn't know what else to _do_.
> 
> Anyway, I'm back and the words are pouring out of my fingertips like warm syrup on hot pancakes... Okay, that's too much.

With a thousand units left to his name Fai is able to buy a machete, a thermoblanket, a single person tent that’s worse for wear, some canned soup, flint, and secure passage out of the city. Contrary to what Kurogane says, Fai does have some equipment. A pot, a flashlight, extra blankets, snowshoes, a pound of instant rice, and some instant coffee. His pack is bare bones, but if he’s smart.... If he  _ was  _ smart he wouldn’t go. 

Fai closes his eyes and tips his head back against the corner of the building he’s waiting at. Illegal passage out of the city is expensive, that alone is running him nearly three hundred units. Leaving the city isn’t prohibited, but it is heavily monitored. The waiting period for approval is two weeks, if not longer. The applying person or group have to go before a board to map out their trip and describe what their objective is. Not to mention they never approve passage out of the safe zone for search and rescue. They’ll easily allow people to venture into the outside world for tech and genetically unaltered resources, but a person isn’t invaluable. 

There’s a tap on his shoulder, he looks down and there’s a small girl. She wears  jeans a size too big, a tattered long sleeve shirt, and a blanket pulled up around her shoulders for warmth. She’s dirty, but seemingly well fed.

“Do you know how to get out of here?”

He raises an eyebrow. “Do you?”

She takes his hand and starts leading him towards an abandoned warehouse that’s overtaken with homeless. It’s a whole tent city on the inside, and even though there are windows the sunlight barely reaches in. They go to the far wall where the largest tent is set up. “Mama,” the girl calls upon entering. “I found him.”

A woman in her thirties stands. “Good job. Go back to your tent. It’s cold, but bring this to the little ones.” She hands her a loaf of bread and the girl leaves them. “You have your money?”

“Show me the door first.”

“Now isn’t the time to demand things of  _ me _ . I’ll show you the way out, don’t worry.”

Her face tells him she’s not going to budge. “Fine.” He hands over the units for her to count. 

Stuffing the money inside her shirt, she turns and walks to the back of her tent. The wall is covered in a large red tapestry. She pushes it aside to reveal a brick wall. With her whole body weight she pushes suddenly against the wall and it pops open. “Let’s go. Make sure the drape closes behind you.”

Fai follows her down a flight of stairs until they reach what was once a boiler room. Behind the stairs they've just come down is a large grate, he helps her lift it and she nods towards the opening. 

“It’s dark. Sometimes animals find their way in so be careful and don’t get bitten by a genetically fucked up racoon, or something. I’m not going to let you back in if you do. I check back at midnight everyday for people who return, if you miss me you can either wait in the dark until I open it to let someone else down, otherwise, I’ll see you at midnight.”

He takes a deep breath before he starts his decent.

“Go straight. If you veer off you’ll get lost in the tunnels. Good luck.”

“Thanks.” Fai takes his flashlight off his belt loop and gets an idea of his surroundings. The tunnel is made of gray brick and further down he can see where other tunnels merge with the one he’s in. Though it’s ridiculous, he can’t help but imagine humanoid creatures lurking in the shadows. Willing himself to stay calm, Fai begins to walk. 

It feels like an eternity before he sees the mouth of the tunnel. It’s a huge relief to see daylight, what’s left of it anyway. He’d gotten such a late start that it’s really no surprise that the sun is already threatening to dip below the horizon. There’s, maybe, three hours of daylight left. 

Looking to the sky, he pulls his knit beanie over his ears. A few stray snowflakes land on his face. “I’m going to fucking die out here, Jian.” He laughs without humor, then groans. “Kurogane is going to kill me for doing this.”

He takes off north.

 

As the snowfall thickens and sun sets, his pace slows. Fai  _ knows  _ he needs to stop and make camp. He  _ knows  _ how dangerous it will be to travel once it’s dark. He has to keep going though. He at  _ least  _ has to make it out of the patrol zone. If he’s caught outside the safe zone without clearance he’ll be made an example of - if the soldiers who catch him are feeling particularly nice enough to even bring him back.

He presses forth, finally making it out of the patrol zone nearly an hour after sunset. For good measure he keeps walking another half hour, better to be safe than sorry. If he’s already decided to be an idiot, he might as well be a smart one. The single man tent is easy enough to assemble. Starting a fire, on the other hand, isn’t as easy. 

Fai looks at the wood he’s gathered with his flashlight and sighs in defeat. “Of course everything is wet. I’m such a fucking idiot.” He runs a hand over his face, he didn’t even think about what he’d burn for fire before leaving the city. Pulling up his communicator he looks at a map of the area. There’s a small town nearby that’s  _ supposedly  _ clear of radiation, but just because that’s what the map says doesn’t mean it’s true. He’ll have to veer off course in the morning to go look for anything to burn. 

Holing up in his tent he pops open a can of cold soup while he thinks about what an idiot he is to be traveling in the middle of winter, with no fire, no definitive location, and no radiation mask.

 

_ He lays in Jian’s lap, eyes closed and face turned towards the sun. He can smell him, something like the forest after heavy rain - clean and crisp. The wind blows, a chill cools his skin, teasing at fall.  _

_ The smell changes, still familiar, but notably different. Machine oil and aloe grown in the window of a shared apartment he hasn’t seen in over a year. The lap beneath him becomes more firm. Sinewy thighs become hard with powerful muscle.  _

_ Without warning, the sky darkens with gray clouds and the warm air begins to freeze. Snow, lands on his face and despite the darkening field he knows he’s safe.The man leans over him, but he isn’t scared. He opens his eyes but the graying light of the sun blocks the man’s face with shadow. _

_ Idiot - wake up. It’s time to move _

 

Fai jolts awake, a stick breaks outside his tent. He takes inventory, the sun is just breaking over the horizon, he can see his breath, and something is outside his tent, and closing in on him. Listening closely, it’s human and there’s more than one.

“Fuck,” he says under his breath. He’s still close enough to the city that bandits are a bigger issue than radiation. He’s a sitting duck. To get out of his tent he has to crawl, making it almost too easy for them to attack. Staying in the tent, a structure that provides no protection, isn’t any better. 

Regardless of how unlikely it is he’s going to make it out of this unscathed, he’d rather go down fighting. Fai rases up on his knees as much as possible and wiggles the sheathed machete down the front of his pants. 

“Come out.” The voice is rough with a southern backwood accent. “We just wanna talk.” The whole group laughs.

Taking a deep breath Fai opens his tent and crawls out. There’s nobody there to knock him down, so he stands. There’s five men standing around his tent in a circle. All of them seem to have a weapon - baseball bats, crowbars, anything to cause damage. Beyond, them, leaning against a tree a woman. She’s pale, her whole body is somehow less human than the rest of them. Her hair is nearly gone and her skin seems more like a large scar than anything else. He looks away.

“Kind of stupid to be traveling alone, ain’t it?”

Fai holds the leader’s gaze. A smile, as ominous as it is sweet spreading over his face. “Well, some people are just plain stupid?  _ Ain’t  _ they?”

“You gettin’ smart with me,  _ boy _ ?”

“I’m not sure what you mean.” Fai tilts his head.

The leader spits. “Guess it don’t matter. Five of us, against one of you. Stupid er’ smart ain’t gon’ matter when ya’ dead.”

Behind them, the woman coughs. She vomits blood. Fai grimaces, she’s too far gone. Her skin has already mutated, soon her bones will start to to produce too many cells, distorting her body until she’s more creature than human. It’s only a matter of time before she becomes feral and begins to attack. A day. Maybe two. 

“Goddammit. Randy, check on her. We just need a few more minutes then we’ll have a Rad-Pac.”

“Is she your wife?” 

“Ain’t none your business. Now, hand over all yer Rad-Pacs or we’ll haf-ta kill ya.” 

Fai shake his head. “I don’t have any. I didn’t get legal passage out of the city and they’re too expensive to buy on the black market.”

The man snorts. “Like I’m ‘sposed to believe that.”

“You don’t have to believe me. Guess when I’m dead you’ll figure it out anyway.”

He narrows his eyes. “You’re bluffing.”

“Even if I did have any Rad-Pacs, it’s too late for her.”

“Shut up.”

“Her organs are fusing together. That’s why she’s throwing up blood.”

“I said shut up!”

“Your best option is to put her out of her misery. The amount of pain she’s in -”

The man pulls a gun and cocks is. “I’m gettin’ that Rad-Pac and savin’ my girl. Then ima tie you to that there tree, maybe rip your fingernails off, and leave you to starve - if ya don’t freeze first.”

There’s a gunshot, it sends birds flying from the trees, but it’s not from the bandit. They all turn to look, standing at the edge of the clearing with a smoking gun is Kurogane. The woman’s hand falls from the barrel of the gun and her body slumps over.

There’s only silence, and then Kurogane speaks. “She asked me to. Whichever one of you is Bo, she said she loves you and to leave.”

A sob and then Bo raises his gun, screaming.

Fai pulls his weapon and rushes him. One swift motion across the neck and the man begins to bleed. He chokes on his own blood before falling to the ground. The four remaining men all move at once. Two rush Fai, one with a bat, the other a knife.

The guy with the knife reaches him first and swings at him in a large sweeping motion from the side. Fai steps towards him, raising his right arm in defense. The knife catches his hand, splitting the side of his palm open. He still manages to knee the bandit in the stomach hard enough to knock the wind out of him. Sweeping his knee up he nails the guy in the chin, he falls to the ground unconscious. 

His victory is short lived when the other guys cracks him over the back with his bat. Fai falls forward into the snow. He tenses as he braces for impact, but it never comes. He looks over his shoulder and Kurogane is standing over him, his face shadowed by the sun and the man’s throat in his hand. 

The bat falls from the assailants hand, landing on the back of Fai’s thighs, it’s better than caving in his head. He grasps at Kurogane’s hand as he struggles for air and just before he passes out Kurogane throws him to the ground. He lays there gasping for breath. “Get the fuck out of here.” When the bandit doesn’t move, Kurogane yells. “All of you go!”

The remaining four bandits rush out of the clearing as Fai stands. For a moment, he can only acknowledge his shock. 

Kurogane’s eyes sweep over Fai. His heart feels sick, whatever that means. If he had been even five minutes later the scene he walked in on would have been much different. “It’s been twelve hours and you’ve already managed to almost get yourself killed.”

Fai looks at him over his shoulder, eyes icy. “I’m fine.”

“Your hand’s bleeding, idiot.”

Fai looks down, the pain hasn’t even registered with him yet, considering the adrenaline still coursing through his body, that makes sense. His blood runs down his hand and drips onto the snow leaving a strikingly red spot amongst the white. “I thought you weren’t coming.”

“Yeah, well...” Kurogane trails off. What exactly is he supposed to say? Certainly not the  _ truth.  _

“You’re stupid for chasing after me.”

“That’s rich coming from you. You brought a green camo tent out in winter.”

Fai looks over to his single person sleeper. It  _ is _ really noticeable against the white landscape, even with the dusting of snow that fell overnight. He might as well of had target on him.

Kurogane comes up behind him and pushes at his shoulders, guiding him forward. “We have to take care of that before leaving, so hurry the hell up.”

There’s no easy place to sit near the tent, so they stand. Kurogane drops his bag, “Bet you didn’t think to bring first aid.”

“To be fair, I didn’t bring a lot of things. 

“Typical.”

“Hey! What about that time you slipped on loose rubble and broke your wrist. You refused to put it in a sling.”

“Wasn’t broken, just fractured.”

“Still should have been in a sling. You wouldn’t even go to medical.”

“Refusing to go to medical and forgetting first aid are two different things.”

“No way. They are both equally stupid.”

Kurogane looks up and the challenging grin on Fai’s face makes him smile, just a little. “Fair enough.” He pulls his kit out and wraps Fai’s wound. “We’ll have to keep an eye on it. It’s not too deep, but still.”

“Do you have pain reliever?”

Kurogane raises an eyebrow. Things like tylenol or ibuprofen aren’t even rationed, they’re considered and unnecessary luxury by modern standards. Still, every once in a while they come across some outside the safe zone. “Stupid question.”

“Let’s get going. Not a whole lot of daylight in the winter and the cold is going to slow us down.”

“Hey,” Fai reaches out and catches Kurogane’s forearm. “If you’re going to come with me there needs to be rules.”

“Like what?” Kurogane brings himself to his full height and crosses his arms. It’s a motion what comes off intimidating, but they both know it’s more likely discomfort with the situation as a whole. 

“You can’t tell me this is stupid. You can’t say he’s dead. You can’t try to convince me to go back.”

Kurogane looks to the ground and huffs. “Fine,” he says, rolling his head back up to look at Fai. “But, I have a rule too.”

“What?”

“If we don’t find him - you come back to the city and you stop.”

“Stop what?”

“Don’t play dumb. You know what.”

Fai steadies himself with conviction. “We’re going to find him.”

“Sure. I’m not going to tell you otherwise.”

They pack up the tent together and set out.

 

Kurogane’s brought kindling and an ax, because of course he fucking did. They’ve stopped about ninety minutes before sunset to make camp. Fai is constructing the tents while Kurogane finds wood.

Fai’s whole body aches. It’s been a long time since he’s been out in the forest like this. He’s rarely ever ventured deep into the forest, the vast majority of his missions out of the safe zone were to the city. Afterall, he’s a tech guy. Jian, on the other hand, knew a lot about nature. Ne and a group of three others often went out looking for plant life who’s genetic code hadn’t been destroyed by the radiation left over from the war. 

While Fai and Kurogane would often sell their salvaged tech and motors on the street, Jian would sell directly to the totalitarian like government of the safe zone. There were some tech items that could match the price Jian would receive for the most basic of natural resources, but they were few and far inbetween. 

The only downside to Jian focusing the majority of his efforts on finding resources was that is kept him away from the safe zone months at a time. The planning alone for trips that long took weeks. Jian would plan for three weeks with his group and then they would be gone anywhere from six to twelve weeks. Often traveling so far from the signal towers that their communicators would go offline for days. Which is why it took nearly two weeks for Fai to realize something was wrong when the group went missing.

It wasn’t just Jian lost that day. All four of them had disappeared. Two of them hadn’t had any family to speak of, the third had a wife and new born baby. The wife had tried to find comfort in her’s and Fai’s mutual heartbreak, but Fai had distanced himself as much as he could because Jian wasn’t dead. Her husband might be, but his boyfriend wasn’t.

“Hey!” Kurogane calls from behind him. “Hurry up with the tents, there’s not much light left and we still have to build a fire and make dinner.” He drops the armfull of thick branches he’s collected.

“Sorry.”

“You were spacing out.”

“Just thinking about how sore I am.”

Kurogane hums. “Me too.”

“Really?” Fai asks as though he doesn’t believe him.

“Yeah, really.” Kurogane pauses. “Why’d you say it like that?”

Fai spikes off the corner of his tent as Kurogane moves to do a different corner. “I don’t know. I just thought you’d respond differently.”

“Like what?”

He pushes his eyebrows down, trying to look angry. “ _ I’m Kurogane and I never get tired. I’m so big and strong. I bet I can leap over that boulder. _ ”

Kurogane laughs. “Yeah. Maybe when I was fifteen.”

“So, you’re saying you  _ can’t  _ jump over the boulder?”

He stands. “No, I’m saying I’m not fifteen anymore.”

The corner of Fai’s mouth turns up. “So you _ can  _ jump over that boulder over there?”

Kurogane turns to look at it then back to Fai. He smirks and pushes Fai’s head away from him. “Get to work. We’re losing daylight.”

 

Kurogane sips his warm soup, watching Fai out of the corner of his eye. The sun is gone, bringing with it a steep temperature drop. They’re both wrapped in their thermoblankets, Fai gazing deep into the fire and Kurogane, well, gazing intensely at Fai.

Fai makes Kurogane wish he understood the point of poetry. Careful words strung together to delicately touch your heart - that’s how Kurogane feels about him. His feelings are soft, barely a whisper, but powerful enough to leave him gasping for air. 

He’s never been good at conveying his feelings, an issue lending itself to the reason Fai and Jian got together. Jian had given him every opportunity to admit how he felt about Fai.  _ You like him, don’t you? Do you think he’s kinda pretty? You know he blushes when he looks at you. He asked me about you, like what your type is and stuff. If I told you I like him, would you hate me? If I asked him out, would we stop being friends? Are you sure? _

It’s strange loving his best friend’s boyfriend because he never hated Jian, he liked seeing him happy. And he loves seeing Fai happy, that’s what love really is - wanting for somebody else’s happiness more than your own.

When the three of them were together the ache in his chest went away. It was when he was alone with one of them that he felt split open. Like now, his heart aches wishing that once Fai would look at him with half the amount of love he looked at Jian with. He feels like shit even thinking like that, the guilt is equal to the ache.

Maybe it hadn’t been Fai who pulled away after Jian disappeared. At least not right away. The sadness Kurogane felt when he realized Jian was dead, somewhere in the wilderness where the animals would eat his body plagued him for weeks. Yet, there were thoughts that chased him for months. Thoughts that made him want to scream, even cry with how fucked up they were.  _ Maybe now.... Could he ever..... Maybe in a few years.... I could tell him....  _ He never wished for Jian’s death, but he’d dreamed of Fai’s love, perhaps those had been the same things... in a way. 

Tomoyo was the only one he talked to about it. As annoying as she could be with her meddling, she was also patient and understanding. When he’d finally broken down to tell her about all the intrusive thoughts he’d been having since Jian died she’d put a hand on his knee.  _ We can’t control our thoughts, it’s how we react to our thoughts that is important. _

Still, it’d been easier to pull away from Fai than look at him and want to puke at how messed up he felt inside. He missed him, though. When Jian would go out to scavenge for resources, he left Kurogane and Fai alone for long stretches of time. Hundreds of dinners spent just the two of them, early morning runs into the city, hours of sitting in the booth on Hovell with Fai fixing tech and Kurogane working on engines or heaters or anything else practical. 

It’s almost like they’re strangers now. Fai might have fallen overboard, but it was likely only because Kurogane had jumped ship altogether. Losing his lover and his best friend within a month of each other, it was no wonder Fai was willing to put himself in harm's way for even an ounce of the love and support he use to have.

It’s the same idea that made Kurogane go out after him. He couldn’t lose both of them.

“Hey,” he turns his head to Fai. “Let’s go over the map so we know what our plan is for tomorrow.”

“Sure.” Fai gets up and walks over to sit on the log Kurogane has dragged over. He pulls up his holoscreen and opens the map.

Kurogane reaches up and starts pulling the image. They’re roughly eighty miles from the general area Jian’s communicator is. They did twelve miles today, but, honestly, if the snow keeps falling the way it is they’ll be lucky to do ten a day. A two mile radius is roughly twelve square miles of possible space the communicator is in. 

A conservative estimate of how much longer they’ll be traveling is twenty-one days. Nine for traveling there, three for thoroughly sweeping the area, and nine back. “How much food did you bring?”

“Not enough. Probably only ten days worth. Used two already. We have four left if we split it.”

“What were you planning on doing?” He’d brought fifteen, but it’ll only be enough for seven days additional days if he has to split it with Fai. 

“I don’t know, hunting?”

“With what?”

“I didn’t get that far...”

Kurogane rubs a hand over his face.

“Look. I know what I’m doing is stupid enough, rushing out of the safe zone was even stupider. There’s a lot of things I didn’t consider.”

Raising his hand to the map, Kurogane zooms out. “We need to get here,” he points to a road.

“That’s going to eat up a whole day, and it’s not even on the way.”

“Roads are going to be easier to walk on. Plus they’ll lead us past towns and houses. We can scavenge for food, or maybe traps, if we’re lucky.”

Fai tilts his head. “You’re right, but the road verges west, not east. At what point do we diverge?”

They scroll up a bit more, hoping for a road that will take them east. They don’t find one. Where ever the signal came from it’s deep within miles of wilderness, which isn’t unexpected considering Jian’s line of work. 

“We’ll have to leave the road around here,” Fai circles an area of the map with his finger.

“Looks like it.” He glances at Fai. “You’re shivering.”

“Like I said, there were things I didn’t consider. Guess,  _ exactly  _ how cold it was going to be was one of them.”

Thermoblankets can only do so much, they’re amazing, but they aren’t magic. Rolling his eyes Kurogane reaches out and pulls Fai into his side. “I have a few extra thermals in my bag. I’ll pull one out for you in the morning.”

“Thanks.” 

The fire crackles in front of them. “You know,” Fai says after the silence has gone on too long. “This morning, when those people showed up, all I could think was, ‘Kurogane is going to be so pissed at me.’ Then you were there.”

Kurogane clicks his tongue. “Like I’d actually let you die.”

Fai looks up to him, “Did she really ask you to kill her?”

He remembers the lady from earlier. Kurogane hadn’t seen her as he made his way to the clearing. She’d fallen out from behind the tree, reached out to grab the barrel of his gun, and brought it to her head. “Yeah.”

There’s another lull in conversation. “Thank you for coming after me.”

Kurogane closes his eyes and swallows the flutter in his chest. “We should go to bed.”

“In a minute.” Fai rests his head on Kurogane’s shoulder. He’s finally stopped shivering. 

 

“Oh thank god!” 

Kurogane rolls his eyes when Fai collapses against the asphalt of the road. He’s always been dramatic, not that Kurogane has had the opportunity to see it recently. “Alright, get up idiot. We got another mile before we hit the off ramp for that housing development and only two hours of sunlight left.”

Fai groans, but pushes himself back up to keep going. They reach the off ramp about thirty minutes later and follow it back out into the woods a ways. What they come across is less of a development and more of a private drive, but the secluded road they find it off of means none of the houses have been touched by bandits. 

“Whewww,” Fai pretends to whistle. “Never really been to an area like this. Did people really live this far away from the cities?”

Kurogane shugs. “I guess. If they had cars it probably wouldn’t have been as hard to get around.” There’s four untouched houses in the cul-de-sac, all in relatively good condition for buildings that haven’t had maintenance in over forty years. “Do you want to go through them now, or in the morning?”

Fai steps up beside him. “Now, we’re already here. No point in wasting daylight tomorrow.”

“Good call. You take the two on the left. I’ll take the two on the right. We’ll sleep in that one,” Kurogane points the the second house from the left. “Looks the least run down. Be careful of dry rot and radiated animals. You got your Rad-Pac, just in case?

Fai laughs, hoping it comes off genuine, “Of course!” He takes a step towards his house then turns around, a little awkwardly. “Uh, see you in a bit.” He doesn’t turn to look, but he knows Kurogane is watching him. “Smooth, Fai,” he mumbles at himself. “Really smooth.”

He hadn’t been lying yesterday when he told the gang of bandits he didn’t have any Rad-Pacs, but they’d been right to believe he was because next to an unplanned excursion in the middle of winter, not carrying a Rad-Pac was the most brainless thing he could have done. 

He can forage for food.

He can hunt for meat.

He can scavenge for supplies.

But, he can’t magically cure radiation poisoning. 

Coming across genetically modified animals, or humans, wasn’t run-of-the-mill, but it certainly wasn’t uncommon. Fai had used a Rad-Pac twice in his life, once when scavenging an auto-repair shop with Kurogane. 

The second time, however, had been after a radiation storm when they’d been walking back to the safe zone. It had blown in from the east, and he’d been too slow to get his mask on.

The further they get away from the safe zone, the less safe they are from radiation in any of its forms. 

 

When Fai comes back down the stairs of the second house Kurogane is already in the living room shoving logs into the fire place. “Hey.”

Kurogane looks over his shoulder, “Hey. Get anything good?”

“Guy that lived here was about my size. Got some thermals and a better jacket. You?”

“Guys across the street must have been hunters. Found some traps and this.” He holds us a water damaged survival book. “Lot of the pages are too fucked up to read, but it could be good kindling later. I’m going to set the traps before we call it a night and hope we have something in the morning. Other house had a bunch of canned fruit and jelly. Grabbed some of that. Rubbing alcohol. Anything beside the clothes?”

Fai takes a seat beside him and hands Kurogane logs as he works at filling “Same. Canned food. Tylenol.”

“Really?” Kurogane raises his eyes brow. “Did you take some for your hand?”

“Yeah.” 

“You should let me look at it.”

“No way, you’re going to try and clean it.”

“Damn straight.”

“What if I told you I found something else? Something you really like.”

Kurogane narrows his eyes. “Like what?”

“Like four cans of the very rare Chef Boyardee.”

“Are you serious? Are we talking Spaghetti or Ravioli?”

“Ravioli, and I’ll let you know where it is if you don’t make me clean it.”

Kurogane throws a match into the fire place. “Nope.”

Fai tries to scramble away, but the rug under them slips and he falls to the ground. Kurogane grips his ankle and yanks him closer. “Even if you  _ had _ gotten away, you know I still would have won, right?”

Fai just sticks his tongue out at him. 

“Let me see.” 

He sits cross legged next to Kurogane and holds his hand out for him. Kurogane is gentle as he pulls the bandages away from Fai’s hand. “Looks a little red, but there’s no puss.”

“Great. So you  _ don’t  _ have to clean it with rubbing alcohol, right?”

“Are you, seriously, five years old?” Kurogane pulls his bag over and grabs the rubbing alcohol he found and a fresh bandage. He pours the alcohol over the wound and Fai winces. “If there wasn’t infection, it wouldn’t hurt.”

“Didn’t hurt before you poured acid on it either.”

“Then why’d you take the tylenol?”

Fai rolls his eyes. “Because drugs are cool. Obviously.”

“Cry baby.”

“Jerk.” Kurogane finishes dressing Fai’s wound. “I’ll be back in twenty,” he lights a lantern. “Why don’t you put the Chef Boyardee cans in the embers to heat them up while I set the traps.”

“On it,” Fai stands and goes to the kitchen where he’s put all of his things. He brings everything to the living room, knowing they’ll likely sleep in front of the fire the rest of the night. 

He pulls two of the cans out of his bag and positions them in the embers of the fire. He’ll save the other two for when they find Jian. 

By the time Kurogane gets back Fai has rolled out their sleeping bag on top of all the blankets he’s managed to find. Most of them are musty, but it’s better than sleeping on the floor.

“How many traps did you set?”

“Five.”

“Shouldn’t we set them during the day?”

“Yeah, but we’re already low on supplies.” Kurogane sits on his sleeping bag, holding his hands out to the fire. “I don’t think we can waste a day sitting idly by when it’s more likely we won’t catch anything to make up for our food consumption.”

“That’s positive.” 

Kurogane looks over and shoves Fai’s shoulder. “Shut up.”

“Oh, your  _ so  _ sensitive, Kuro-sour.”  He laughs, but Kurogane’s silence catches him off guard. Kurogane frowns at the fire, his cheeks pink like they’ve always done when he’s embarrassed. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re not a good liar.”

“Pot calling the kettle black.”

“Hey! I’m an excellent liar, you’re just insanely good at seeing it.”

The fire spits and Fai turns away, disappointed.

“Been a long time since you’ve used a nickname for me.”

Something clenches in Fai’s chest. Maybe it’s the implication Kurogane has missed him, or maybe it’s the way Kurogane said those words so softly it was almost a whisper. Maybe, it’s the safety he feels in such a tiny statement.

He feels himself blush. “Food should be warm.” Fai turns away grabbing the tongs. He snaps them together and grins when Kurogane turns to look. 

They open the cans with Kurogane’s knife and wrap the still hot tin in rags from the kitchen. “How is it?”

Kurogane looks at Fai from the corner of his eye, “As good as I remember.”

“You have sauce on your chin.”

“I’m saving it for later.”

“Gross.” Fai scoops the last of the sauce from the bottom of the can. “We don’t have to sleep yet, do we?”

“Probably not. Why?”

“I don’t know. Thought we could talk, or something.”

“Pft. You don’t shut up all day.”

“Somebody has to keep morale up.” Fai takes a breath. “How’s Tomoyo doing at the shop?”

“Okay. She’s still having trouble with more advanced tech.”

“Really? She did a really great job with the expansion -”

“No. We outsourced that. She tried, but she -” Kurogane pauses, he doesn’t want to sound bitter, but he does. “She never finished her training.”

Fai looks away into the darkness of the house. He wonders if he would have liked living in a place like this. No one really  _ likes  _ living in the safe zone, but for people like him, the generation born inside it, there isn’t much to compare it to. “She could have kept coming to see me.”

Kurogane groans. Every response that comes to mind is argumentative. Fai makes it sound so simple, as if he  _ didn’t  _ shut Kurogane and Tomoyo out for months at a time. Only  _ really  _ talking to them again when he found out they had the piece he needed that inevitably made them end up here. “Let’s just go to bed.”

Fai seems to sense Kurogane’s shift in mood and matches fire with fire. “I want to talk!”

“Why? Whenever we try to have normal conversation we just end up arguing anyway!” He lays down on the opposite end of his sleeping bag, even though Fai had oriented them so they should be laying head to head. “I’m going to sleep.”

Silence follows, Kurogane had expected more fight from Fai. He looks over to see him staring into the fireplace. His hands clenched in fists at the edge of his thighs. Yet, his demeanor is sad, dramatized by the way the firelight flickers over his face. 

“We use to mean so much to each other.” One of the logs shifts in the fireplace. “When did that change?” 

_ It never changed,  _ is what he wants to say. The words stick in this throat begging to be voiced into existence for the chance to salvage just a bit more of the friendship they dropped somewhere along the way

A moment later Fai lays down.

Kurogane sits awake. Mentally kicking himself for how destructive he can be without meaning to. He lays there until he hears Fai snoring, his head hurts. He wants to forget the past year. He wants to change whatever happened the day Jian disappeared... he wants to find Jian, because he could fix everything, just like he always did. 

It’s been a long time since he thought like that. He pushes his palms into his eyes to stop whatever emotion is trying to break through. The pressure behind his eyes goes away and Kurogane stares at the ceiling, one hand over his stomach and the other over his forehead. “Fuck it.”

Kurogane readjusts so he’s sleeping head to head with Fai. He sleeps more peacefully than he has in months. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooo, they come so close to their normal only to jump away from each other at the very suggestion of intimacy.
> 
> Anyway, no promises on when the next update is but what's coming up, you ask?!
> 
> Boys with dumb feelings, that's what.
> 
> If you want to read other kurofai works by me, check out my archive - but I'm _telling_ you my writing was different... _cringe_


	3. Despondence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They head to Dairy Queen for some Blizzards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo.
> 
> Tags have been updated.
> 
> Let's fucking dance, pretty boy.

They’re lucky enough to sleep in various building the next few days. Neither of them talk about the night at the first house, and if Fai had wondered why Kurogane changed position in the middle of the night, he hadn’t voiced it. 

Since then they haven’t talked about home, or the past for that matter. They only talk about things that exist inside the very small bubble they find themselves in. It’s pleasant, it feels like it use to - easy. Kurogane has always considered himself a person who rises to the challenge, but if that were true wouldn’t he ask the hard questions? Wouldn’t he refuse to give up and settle for this game of pretend they’re playing?

Kurogane clears his throat. “What are you going to do when we get back to the safe zone?” 

“Besides find a warm shower?”

He rolls his eyes. “C’mon. I’m serious.”

Fai scrunches up his face. “Doesn’t your question  _ imply- _ ”

“No, It doesn’t imply anything about Jian. What are  _ you  _ going to do when you get back? You can’t keep living in a closet.” Fai stares at him and Kurogane can feel himself blush from embarrassment. “Weren’t you the one that said you wanted to  _ talk _ the other night?”

Fai faces forward with a sigh. “I don’t know. Probably go back to scavenging and fixing tech. Not much else for me to do.”

He’s not going to settle so he asks a harder question. “Would you come back to the shop or would you do independant stuff?”

“Do you even really  _ want  _ me to come back?”

“I don’t  _ not  _ want you to come back.”

“Just tell me what you want!”

“I’m asking what  _ you _ want, idiot!”

“I  _ want  _ to find my boyfriend! God! Why is so hard for you to understand that’s the only thing I’ve been thinking about for the last sixteen months? I don’t know what I’m going to do after! This is as far as I’ve gotten with my future because up until four hundred and eighty-eight days ago my entire life was structured around being with Jian.”

Fai’s breathing heavy, he doesn’t know what it is about Kurogane that makes him lose his composure so quickly. He should be the one person Fai can be honest with, after all they’ve been friends over a decade. But, maybe, that’s what makes it harder.

Kurogane knows Jian wouldn’t have wanted Fai to be like this just as much as Fai does. It’s easier to hide in his own madness when he shuts out the only person who won’t let him hide. 

They start walking again, the tension palpable. 

“Told you we only fight.”

Fai looks to Kurogane ready to brawl, but he sees Kurogane’s smirk and he laughs. “You’re the fucking worst Kuro- _ lame _ .” The tension breaks like a dam rushing over a parched valley, washing away the dust and promising new life. If there is life to be had. Only time will tell if the seeds that once filled the valley with such color and closeness will come again.

He looks to Kurogane, his eyes set forward with determination and something tightens in his chest. This is the closest they’ve felt in months. Fai’s wanted this so terribly since Jian disappeared, the feeling of having his best friend in his corner.

“I’m happy you’re here.”

Kurogane stops, and turns around to face Fai. He’s sure he’s imagined what Fai just said. “What?”

Looking away he repeats himself, “I missed you and I’m happy you’re here.” He feels uneasy after he says it, his heart feels like it’s sinking. Fai can’t ask Kurogane to forgive him. Maybe it’s easier if Kurogane doesn’t, at least then he won’t have to endure a relationship where he constantly feels the need to apologize. But, he means it. He’s missed Kurogane.

When Kurogane doesn’t respond, Fai looks up. The look on Kurogane’s face is

foreign. In over a decade of friendship he’s never seen so many emotions shifting over those sharp, often stoic, features. 

His mouth has gone slack, softening his jawline, but it’s his eyes that get Fai. Each time he blinks there’s something different there. Agony, hope, fear, fondness, relief.

“I-” Kurogane finally speaks. His whole being is overtaken with emotion. He’s never been good at handling emotion, often bottling it up and storing it away. But, this is so much all at once. He’d hoped to find the old Fai - the old  _ them,  _ eventually, but he never imagined it could come so easily. “I-” 

And maybe this is only the first step, maybe this is only a millimeter in a hundred miles they have to go - but, it was Fai who reached for him and that means everything.

There are no words he can say, he steadies his jaw, clenching it tightly. He closes the gap between them and squeezes Fai to his chest. Kurogane forces the words out through his teeth, not because he doesn’t want to say them, but because it terrifies him to make himself vulnerable. “Me too.”

 

~o~

Watching the clouds build during the day has kept them silent, neither of them have the energy for talking, not when the cold is so sharp it aches to move. Regardless, they’ve been thinking the same thing, eyeing the same sky, and they continue marching forward - hoping they reach their destination before time runs out. 

The wind is starting to pick up speed, it finds its way beneath Kurogane’s clothes, kicks up the edge of his jacket and the freshly fallen snow. Above them, the sky is a quilted blanket of gray clouds. Fai, who has been trailing by a few feet steps up next to him and they just stare out at the horizon for a moment.

“We’re fucked, aren’t we?” He turns his head to look at Kurogane who continues staring at the sky. 

After a moment Kurogane rubs his eyes, both from exasperation and exhaustion. His whole body feels heavy, as if the cold is freezing him through. They haven’t gotten nearly as far as they had planned and with the sky overcast the way it is it’ll be too dark to travel... not to mention the fucking blizzard that’s about to break open overhead. “So fucked.”

“Should we make camp?”

“Tch. We’ll freeze if we stay out here tonight.”

“Then we need to find shelter.” Fai pulls up the map. They had actually planned to be in a small town by the end of the day, but after four days of traveling with scraps for food and the ever increasing snow depth they’re at least a whole day, if not more, behind schedule.

Fai’s eyes scan the map, “We’re no where close to shelter.” It’s not panic he feels - it’s dread, because he knows freezing to death won’t be painful, it will be miserable and slow. Just, hours of knowing he’s going to die until he finally loses consciousness and never wakes up. “We could try building an ice cave? Snow’s deep enough if we veer off the road into the woods.”

Kurogane shakes his head. “We don’t know how much snowfall to expect. We could end up buried. And it’ll take too much time. We got, maybe, another hour before this blizzard hits. If we’re lucky.” The situation has been fucked from the beginning, but not like this. They could  _ actually  _ be in danger. As much as Kurogane had said Fai would die traveling in the winter he never thought it would happen if they were together. 

“So, we just sit here and wait for death.” Fai laughs. “Oh my god. We live in a world - no, we’re on a  _ journey  _ with mutant animals, radiation storms, bandits, and low food supplies - but we’re going to die because of a fucking blizzard.”

Kurogane swallows, they are totally going to die. “You’re not going to die, I won’t let that happen.” He means it. He will drag Fai through the snow and give the last of his warmth to make sure Fai lives. They are going to survive, or, at the very least, Fai will.

It’s amazing, he’s looking down the barrel of a gun, and all he can think about is how stupid he is. In the deepest part of himself. Fai  _ knows  _ Jian is dead, not  _ likely  _ dead, but a rotted body lying somewhere in the snow. He would never let himself admit it the whole year and a half he’d been sacrificing just to find a thread of hope. And now, he’s followed that thread of hope into the middle of a blizzard with a man whose loyalty he does not deserve and that man is going to die, too. 

They are going to die chasing a memory that Fai can’t let go of. 

He takes a deep breath and exhales shakily. “Kurogane, I’m-”

“No.” Kurogane whips around. “I know what you’re about to say, so fucking don’t. You can’t apologize because we’re not fucking dying out here. We’ll think of something.”

Kurogane holds Fai’s gaze, eyes unwavering. “Okay.”

“We don’t need something huge, just something solid. Our tents won’t do shit against a blizzard.”

Fai’s eyes go wide and he slaps at Kurogane’s arm. “I have an idea.” Kurogane waits for him to continue. “I’ve been using a modern map. One that shows areas we would care about as scavengers, but if we use-”

“A pre-war map. It will have pre-war structures.”

“Exactly!” Fai smiles.

“Well hurry up, we’re running out of time.”

Fai loads a pre-war map he has stored in his communicators and over lays it with their current map. There’s palpable tension as they scan the map looking for a solution to a quickly approaching problem. 

“There,” Kurogane points to a labelled structure about a half mile away.

“We don’t even know what it is. It could be nothing.”

“We don’t have a better choice.”

With renewed strength they move forward, the urgency is unspoken just like the fear it  _ will  _ be nothing. A half mile in the freezing cold, during the beginning of a blizzard is almost impossible, but when hopelessness begins to take root Fai finds himself struggling to go on. The snow fall is getting thicker and though Kurogane is only a few feet ahead, Fai feels like he keeps losing sight of him.

He begins to wonder how long they will continue walking, at what point will they realize their efforts are fruitless and collapse from exhaustion? He thinks he might almost be at that point, but then Kurogane yells. “There!”

Ahead of them Fai can barely make out the silhouette of a gas station. 

Kurogane turns and grabs Fai’s hand to pull him along. “We didn’t come this far just to get separated in the snow,” he yells over the wind. 

The final hundred yards seem to last an eternity. Burning thighs, aching lungs, starving bodies, but they make it. 

“Fuck,” Kurogane says to himself. The building is completely ransacked. The windows are broken, providing no shelter from the wind. Beside him, Fai squeezes his hand before moving ahead.

“I have an idea.” Stepping over broken glass and making his way to the back, there’s a door. Fai pushes against it, but it doesn’t budge. “Can you help me,” his voice shakes from the cold. 

“Yeah.”

Together they shoulder open the door to a tiny office. The desk takes up most of the space, the chair is in pieces, and various scraps of paper litter the floor. In the right hand corner is a propane lantern and a sleeping bag. Fai collapses just inside the entryway, breathing heavily. Behind him, Kurogane shoves the door shut.

“Hope we can get that open in the morning.” Kurogane slides down the wall and tilts his head back. 

“Heh. Wouldn’t that be our luck?” Fai follows Kurogane’s example and sits to his right.

They rest for a few minutes, fading gray light tumbles in from a small window that’s more suitable for ventilation than anything else. “Looks like we won’t be able to start a fire,” Kurogane says as he looks around. There’s nothing around for them to make one safely. “But, maybe we can get some use out of the propane tank,” he says gesturing to the corner.

“Maybe,” Fai parrots. He feels frozen, he would give anything to be warm. “I’m so cold.” He lets out a dry sob, just because he’s in so much pain and distress. There’s the sound of Kurogane’s clothes adjusting as he moves, then there’s an arm wrapped around his waist pulling Fai across the carpeted floor.

Kurogane settles him between his legs. Fai’s body is tense. “Just relax, idiot. I’m cold too, we need to share body heat.”

Fai relaxes until his back is pressed against Kurogane’s chest. “I don’t know if we can share body heat through our clothes.”

“Shut up.” Kurogane moves his arms to wrap around Fai’s stomach, holding him close and he leans forward, putting his nose to Fai’s neck. 

They stay like that until the room is black. Both of them are still frozen, except for where Kurogane’s head meets Fai’s neck. “We need to move.”

“Mmm.” Kurogane agrees. He stands, dragging Fai up with him. They use Fai’s flashlight to find the propane tank, miraculously, there are spares that have rolled under the desk. “I think these are full.” He gives them a shake before attaching one to the lantern and lighting it. 

“We need to get out of these clothes and into something dry before we get frostbite.”

They stare at each other. Kurogane knows what he’s thinking is practical, but he still has trouble saying it. “We’re going to need to sleep together.” For a moment there’s an aching silence, and Kurogane is embarrassed thinking Fai might read into what he’s said.

“Yeah, we don’t have much choice. There’s hardly any room in here.” His eyes pass over the floor. “Behind the desk?”

Kurogane nods. “I’ll get the sleeping bags ready. You change.”

Fai begins stripping off his wet outerwear. He feels the tiniest bit warmer being in just dry clothes, but his whole body is clammy. Quickly, he pulls on another dry layer and wraps himself in his thermoblanket. When he turns back, Kurogane turns his head away. “Pervert,” Fai’s laugh is tired and hollow. 

“You didn’t even take your shirt off.” Kurogane mumbles as he starts to change. “Even if you had, it’s not like I’ve never seen it before.”

Fai gasps dramatically. “Kuro-tease, that’s just scandalous.” He watches Kurogane roll his eyes and smiles at the reaction. He doesn’t turn away, Fai watches Kurogane crack his knuckles, blow into the palms of his hands, and rub them together. 

The light from the propane lantern is so soft that when Kurogane stands his face is shadowed. Yet, his body looks strong. In fact, Fai  _ knows  _ it’s strong and solid - it dawns on him it’s been so long since he’s felt another person, let alone Kurogane. It’s because Kurogane is more than just a person, he’s a comfort, that makes Fai realize he’s looking forward to sleeping next to him. To feel at ease and safe in a situation driving both of them to the edge of mental and physical exhaustion, he needs that comfort. 

He needs that unconditional acceptance.

Fai turns away and starts rummaging through their food supply. They don’t have a fire, so they can’t make anything hot which leaves them with the option of trail mix, jerky, or trail mix and jerky. Grabbing both bags he goes and sits in their makeshift sleeping area. “What are you looking at?”

Kurogane stares out the small window, “The snow.” As if on cue, a large gust of wind shakes the building and he goes go sit next to Fai. They huddle together for warmth, their arms and thighs pressed close. “We should figure out our plan.”

Fai swallow his jerky. “Yeah,” he pulls up the map. His whole body aches, it takes all his energy to simply stay awake. “Here.” He hands the communicator to Kurogane.

“Tired?” Kurogane asks.

Fai takes another bite of his jerky and nods as he rests his head on Kurogane’s shoulder.

“You’re not this tired because you’re hypothermic, right?”

“I’m not dying. I’m just - I feel shaky.”

Kurogane watches him a moment longer. While he’s also tired, there’s a noticeable difference in their levels of exhaustion. Fai has always been thin, but he’s never been weak. Now, Fai’s pale, shivering, and his face is warm against Kurogane’s shoulder. 

“Okay,” Kurogane finally says as he pulls up their map. He takes a moment to collect his thoughts before speaking, “Assuming we can leave tomorrow, we’re going to be fighting against fresh snowfall. It’s going to slow us down.”

“We’re already moving at a snail’s pace.”

“Mmm,” he hums in agreement. The pre-war map is still overlayed with the coordinates. Kurogane’s about to power down the device when he notices a road. “Hey, look.”

“What am I looking at?”

“Right here,” Kurogane zooms in. “It’s marked as a service road, but it’s only a few miles into the woods and if we follow it we’ll have a more direct route to wherever it is that we’re heading.”

Fai thinks a moment. “It’s a days travel. If we hike all the way out there and the road is overgrown or something we’ll have gone too far to go back. Won’t have gas stations to save our asses.”

“Yeah, but it’ll save us two days since the road were following now is taking us slightly west of where we need to go. This road veers east as it goes north.”

There’s a beat of silence and Kurogane lets out a steady breath. “We’re not going to make it  if we don’t find somewhere to save time.”

Fai’s eyes don’t move from the screen. He feels a little delirious, he knows he’s being given make or break information, but feels absolutely incapable to processing it. “Do you really think it’s out best option?”

“You’re letting me decide? It’s your death wish that brought us here.”

“Hey, you’re not supposed to say stuff like that.” He nudges weakly at Kurogane’s elbow. Almost a whisper, “You said you wouldn’t let me die, I believe that. So, if you say it’s the best bet - that’s what we’ll do.”

Kurogane looks down, only to see the crown of Fai’s head. He leans into it, putting his nose against Fai’s scalp, and begins taking slow and steady breaths. If it makes Fai uncomfortable, he doesn’t say so. In fact, Kurogane would swear Fai relaxes at the gesture. “Okay.”

Fai hums, Kurogane can tell he’s close to sleep. “You should eat,” Fai mumbles.

He look precariously at the jerky sitting between them. Fai needs it more, “I will. Just go to sleep. I’ll wake you up in the morning.”

“Okay.”

Fai doesn’t move, but he does fall asleep, pressed to Kurogane’s side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we are again. 
> 
> This is probably going to end up being 5 or 6 parts now because I have no fucking self control. In fact the next chapter is almost 8k words which is more that double this chapter. I'll post that once I'm done with the following part, which is probably only a 1/3 written. I'm just chugging along until I can write sad sex.
> 
> I don't know who reads these long ass author's notes I write, but I'm feeling particularly great today and want to say thanks for being you.
> 
> If you like this story, check out my archive for even MORE KuroFai. Like four more. But you'll also find a fuck ton of JearMin and a KageHina fic I'm currently posting.
> 
> If life is a highway, then your comments are the gas in my car, so fill 'er up boys!
> 
> Anyway, until next time, which may be next week, could be longer, but will not be never.


	4. Subsistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why people gotta go catching feelings and shit?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa there! It's been a hot minute since the last update. Honestly, I'd wanted to wait until the next chapter was done to post this chapter but it's just been too long and I'm too much on an attention whore to go on any longer without all my cute ass readers.
> 
> But it's also time for my cute ass OC to get some screen time. What, what? Give it up for JIAN! (Airhornx5)
> 
> So, without further fanfare, let's read!

_ The night is warm as they make their way across the potato field at the edge of town. The humidity is making Fai’s hair curl as he follows closely behind Kurogane, turning every few minutes to make sure they aren’t being followed. They’ve done this plenty of times in the few weeks since they’ve met and the likelihood of them getting caught is minimal, but it’s better to be vigilant than not. _

_ At the edge of the field is a water tower held up by stilts that are two stories high. There’s a platform at the base of the water tank and a ladder they can use to access it. They spend a lot of nights there, sitting and watching the sky.  _

_ “How’s your friend?” Fai asks as Kurogane climbs the ladder.  _

_ “He’s fine. They’re heading back tomorrow morning, probably see him in two more weeks.” _

_ “Jian, right?” _

_ “Yeah.” _

_ Fai starts to climb up behind Kurogane. “You don’t talk about him much.” _

_ “There’s nothing for me to say that he won’t tell you himself.” Kurogane reaches the top of the ladder and hauls himself up on the platform. He turns and offers a hand to Fai, who declines and pulls himself up. _

_ “Still, you guys have been friends for how long?” _

_ “Most of our lives.” Kurogane drops his backpack and slides down the length of the water tank to sit. “I don’t remember a time we weren’t friends.” _

_ Fai takes a seat next to him. “What’s your earliest memory?” _

_ Kurogane scoffs and rolls his head against the metal behind him to look away. “Fucking Jian getting me in trouble.” _

_ “What happened?” _

_ “Eh, we must of been about four, maybe five. We were playing outside with some other kids and got bored, so we started wandering around. We got lost and ended up on the bad side of town. It must have been fall, because it was warm during the day, but after the sunset it was cold. I don’t know, maybe it wasn’t that cold, but we were just kids.  _

_ “Anyway, the guards wouldn’t help our parents and nobody had seen us leave the area, but eventually, my dad found us and we got reamed. He probably yelled at us for, like, three minutes straight, and then his parents and my mom yelled at us again.” _

_ Fai snorts, “And now he’s your best friend.” _

_ “That’s only because he’s my only friend.” _

_ “Hey, I’m your friend too. That’s why I keep following you around.” He flicks Kurogane’s forehead.  _

_ “You’re an idiot,” Kurogane mumbles, his cheeks feel hot. Next to him, Fai grins. _

_ “You’re blushing.” _

_ “I am not, dumbass!” _

_ It happens then, in a moment of insignificance. The feeling of friendships bubbles into adoration. His stomach flutters, his breath catches, and he longs for somebody who is right in front of him. Fai swallows and thinks to himself,  _ well this is unexpected _. _

_ He says nothing, his voice caught in this throat everytime he tries to respond.  _

_ Kurogane turns to Fai, he studies his face. He looks... frightened? - Kurogane thinks. His face is all twisted up and when they make eye contact Fai rolls his lips together. “What’s wrong with your face?” _

_ Fai raises a hand to his cheek, it’s warm so he must be turning red - and for what? Being called a dumbass by a boy with broad shoulders and a patient heart? “Nothing! What’s wrong with your face?!” _

_ Kurogane frowns. “Shut up! My face is fine! You’re the one who looks like you’re about to have a stroke!” _

_ Fai crosses his arms over his knees to lament the turn the night has taken. _

_ Next to him, Kurogane speaks, gently, “I don’t really think you’re an idiot. So, if you’re mad about that, don’t be.” _

_ He smiles. “I’m not mad.” _

_ Kurogane doesn’t respond and when Fai looks over he can tell Kurogane is still unsure and overthinking about why Fai is suddenly acting this way. Fai bumps his shoulder into Kurogane’s side. He looks to him and Fai smiles. _

_ Kurogane smiles back. _

 

~O~

 

Kurogane wakes up first. He doesn’t hear any wind and looks out the window. Something is off, but he can’t put his finger on what. “Fuck,” it hits him. He tugs on his outerwear, still mostly wet, and prys the door open. He doesn’t even have to go outside to see the devastation. 

Snow pours in from the broken windows and spreads across the front of the store. His mind goes blank, neither of them had expected this much snow fall. Kurogane curses, again. There’s no way they can trek through this, not even if they stay on the main road.

He goes back to their makeshift room, this time with a metal trash can he’s found behind the counter and whatever looks dry enough to be burned. Kurogane starts a fire and sits down with his back to the wall to wait for Fai to wake up so he can break the news.

An hour goes by and the room is noticeably warmer, then another and Fai still hasn’t woken up. Kurogane leans across their mat to shake Fai awake, but it’s then he sees the flush of red across Fai’s neck and cheeks, and how labored his breathing is. 

“Idiot,” he says shaking Fai’s shoulder. Fai’s mouth drops open with a deep ragged breath. “You gotta be fucking kidding me.” Kurogane puts a hand to Fai’s forehead, there’s no doubt that he’s running a high fever.

Sitting back, Kurogane rubs his face to try to ebb the stress away. He won’t voice it, but he thinks it,  _ We’re going to die out here. _ Internally, he’s panicking, but he can’t let Fai know that. It’s always been like this, though, Kurogane quietly in the background, protecting them - being the muscle, while Jian was the backbone, and Fai was the heart. Now, with no backbone - no stability - Kurogane has to be that too. 

Sometimes, a moment comes. It’s never sudden, simply a slow building of events that are loosely linked by a strand of thread. These moments are all mixed up in eachother, swirling around and hidden inside us. Feelings buried deep, emotions cut short, events that stick in our minds when they leave others’ so quickly. And then the universe yanks the string, brining all these pieces together. It can be beautiful, a woven fabric of blinding color and warmth. Other times it’s a knot. It’s the knots that stay with us, so uncomfortable as the sit heavily in our hearts that we forget the woven blanket draped over our shoulders.

This moment is a knot. As Kurogane looks at it he sees every misstep, every instance in which he could of done better and didn’t - and now he’s here. If only he’d been more persistent at comforting Fai when they realized Jian wasn’t coming back. If only he had pursued the idea of Jian being alive with Fai instead of isolating his friend. If only he’d said yes when Jian asked him,  _ You like him, don’t you?  _ They wouldn’t be here.

He leans his head back and tilts his chin up. “Jian, if you’re there. I’m sorry I lied to you. You wouldn’t have wanted this.” He snorts, “For either of us.” Kurogane pauses, he’s never talked to Jian like this, there’s too much loneliness knowing he won’t answer back. “I’m sorry I love him. I’m more sorry that I love him and I can’t even protect him.”

Fai begins to stir. It’s slow the way his consciousness comes back and it gives Kurogane a moment to sniff and wipe away the evidence of his stress. 

Fai jerks up, his head pivoting until he finds Kurogane, sitting behind him. Instantly, his body goes limp as if he only regained enough energy to check his surroundings. He turns over, his face is miserable and eyes glassy. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Kurogane parrots back.

Fai takes a deep ragged breath. “I think I’m sick, Kuro.”

“Yeah. No shit, Sherlock.”

“Don’t be so mean to your patient,” Fai coughs. “Kuro-nurse.” Even sick he manages a small smirk at his own antics.

“How’s your hand?”

“Fine.”

“Let me see.”

Fai gives over his hand and Kurogane checks the wound, it’s healing fine. There doesn't appear to be any infection, so it’s probably not the cause of Fai’s sudden illness. “Am I all clear there?”

“Yeah. How do you feel?” Kurogane leans over and digs through Fai’s bag until he finds the bottle of tylenol.

“Tired, mostly. Throat hurts a little.”

“Here,” he hands Fai two of the pills.

“Thanks.”

“That’s it, the sore throat?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re not lying, right?”

“Shouldn’t you be able to tell. You’re you, after all. The only person left who knows me better than I know myself.” Fai stretches out his pinky and wraps it around Kurogane’s. 

“We’re going to find him, Fai.” Kurogane tries for confidence, but knows he falls short when Fai’s eyes flick away.

Fai shakes his head, a small smile on his face. His voice breaks when he speaks, “I think I came out here to die, Kurogane. I know he’s not alive, I just - I miss him so much that I just can’t let him go, no matter how much it hurts me or the people around me. I feel so alone without him.” Fai’s lip trembles. “And now, now the only other person I love is going to die because -” he clenches his mouth and eyes shut. “Because I couldn’t -”

Kurogane hushes him with a harsh  _ Shh.  _ His response to overwhelming emotion is always restrained anger. His chest is tight and hot at the very idea that Fai would try to die and that Fai’s felt this way without him knowing. 

This time his voice is hard. “You told me at the beginning I couldn’t talk shit, same for you. We’re going to make it. I’m not dying. You’re not dying.” He can tell Fai doesn’t believe him, but he nods anyway.

Without meaning to Fai starts to fall asleep. “You were right,” his thoughts are so broken up he’s not sure how long it is before he speaks again. “I’m selfish.” 

 

~O~

 

_ Kurogane wakes up to the sun shining directly on him. For a moment he’s confused because he’s outside, then he remembers Fai had wanted to watch the sunrise - though it appears neither of them made it.  _

_ “Hey,” he shakes Fai awake. “We fell asleep.” _

_ He watches as Fai blinks against the sun. “No...” Fai draws out the word, sleepily.  _

_ “Dumbass,” Kurogane grins. His chest feels tight. “Let’s go.” _

_ “I wanna sleep.” _

_ “Then let me take you back to your house.” _

_ “I don’t want to walk. Are you going to carry me?” _

_ “Pft. Fucking lazyass.” _

_ “I’m lazy? You’re the one who doesn’t want to start the morning with a work out.” _

_ Kurogane rolls his eyes. “Fine. But you have to get down the ladder on your own.” He shoulders his backpack and starts his descent, a moment later he can hear Fai moving above him before doing the same.  _

_ Fai makes it to the bottom and Kurogane starts to walk across the field. “Hey! You said you’d carry me.” _

_ “Should have been faster.” Kurogane doesn’t turn back, just smiles to himself because he knows Fai’s going to gripe about it all the way back to town. _

_ Except, he hears running behind him and before he can even turn to look, Fai is jumping on his back. “Did you really think that would work?” Fai breathes into his ear as he locks his arms around Kurogane’s neck. _

_ “Dammit Fai!” _

_ Fai cackles. “C’mon now Kuro. You said you would, don’t be a liar.” _

_ The possibility of being labeled a liar makes Kurogane frown. “Whatever. Just don’t fall.” He puts his arms behind himself and locks his fingers together under Fai’s legs. _

_ It’s quiet as they make their way back to town, Fai’s cheek rests on Kurogane’s shoulder with his face turned towards his neck. Kurogane peeks out of the corner of his eye. Fai’s eyes are closed and his lashes catch the early morning light.  _

_ “You’re falling asleep, aren’t you?” _

_ “Mmm.” Fai rubs his face against Kurogane’s shoulder. “You smell good.” _

_ Kurogane turns away out of embarrassment. “Shut up.” _

_ “Never. You’re stuck with me now.” _

_ Kurogane looks down. There’s a feeling bubbling up inside of him that he hasn’t been able to name. He thinks it’s a crush, but he’s never, really, had one in the past. It’s not a fact he shares, not even with Jian. He knows he’s ‘other’ in the way of romanticism and while he wouldn’t say he’s ashamed of that he also doesn’t know how to talk about. Kurogane wouldn’t even know where to begin if he had to. _

_ Which is why it’s surprising, even to him, that what he feels for Fai is different than what he feels for Jian. At the core it’s the same, isn’t it? He wants to be around him. Be there for him. Support him. Be supported. There’s just something about Fai that makes him different. _

_ As best Kurogane understands it, a crush means you find a person attractive. But the difference he feels is not because Fai’s beautiful, though he undeniably is. And that’s the other question, why is Fai so attractive? He’s always known what attractive people look like, but the desire that supposedly comes from that, well, he’s never experienced that either.  _

_ Fai’s beauty is not the reason Kurogane feels like he can’t breathe around him. It’s in the way he teases, smiles, laughs, listens, and speaks that make Kurogane want to be near him. It’s those things that make him gorgeous in the first place.  _

_ People are finally starting to wake up when they reach the edge of town. Kurogane takes them towards the east side where the boys’ home Fai is living at is. The path he takes veres off towards the main gate. As they approach a low horn sounds, signaling the return of a party.  _

_ The large metal gates are pulled open and the figure of a young man appears, silhouetted by the rising sun in a way that reminds Kurogane of the Madonna. He stops, and though he can’t see the face of the man he knows they are making eye contact. _

_ Fai digs his chin into Kurogane’s shoulder and squints against the sun. “Who’s that?” _

_ “Jian.” _

 

~O~

 

When he’s sure Fai’s asleep he gets up and starts working on setting traps. He notices a shed pushed up against the back of the building on his way back and makes a mental note to check it later for anything useful. Returning to the room, he picks up the communicator and pulls up the map. Despite it all, they’ve made it nearly sixty miles in the six days they’ve been traveling together. 

On the other hand, they’re too far to turn back. At this point they are closer to their destination than not. He wonders if it even matters where they are, considering they can’t go anywhere in this snow.

Regardless of distance, there’s still the matter of food. Even if they cut back more than they have already, between the two of them they have four or five days left. They’ll use one today, and they won’t even have gotten any further in their journey once it’s gone. The best possible scenario is that Fai can travel tomorrow, but then what?

He stares hard at the map, a question tugging at his mind. The longer he stares, the more something seems off. There’s a vague memory sitting on the cusp of his consciousness.  _ Where? About thirty miles from his last location. _

At the recollection of his conversation with Fai the morning he had gotten a signal from Jian’s communicator makes him pull up a map of Jian’s last excursion and overlay it with their current map. His eyes flick between what should have been Jian’s destination, his last known location, and the area the signal came from. 

There’s something there and the longer he stares the more frustrated he becomes. Kurogane almost wants to wake Fai up just to ask,  _ do you see it?  _

Putting the map away he starts making Fai a can of soup. He pries an air vent off from the main area of the store and sets it over the trashcan fire with the soup on top. Knowing it will take a minute for the soup to heat to an edible temperature, he decides to check out the shed he’d seen out back of the building.

Once in front of the shed, he realizes it’s more of a closet, still he takes his ax and starts chopping up the door. Inside is a flat rounded-looking board, or something close to that, but he can’t be sure what it is until the door is completely demolished. 

For a moment he just stares at the contents, unsure what to make of it. There seem to be four pairs of these flat boards. In the center there are straps, there are some slots around them, and a lip at the front. Off to the side are poles with points and slotted circles on the end.

Kurogane pulls a pair of each out and turns them over in his hand. It looks like a shoe is supposed to go in the center so he shoves his boot in and tightens the straps. Immediately, he understands what they are and straps the other one on too. He takes a step once the boards are secured and grins when he doesn’t sink knee deep into the snow.

“Fucking finally catching a break,” he says to himself. Kurogane grabs another pair of snowshoes and poles before heading back inside. 

Fai’s soup is steaming, so he sets the equipment off to the side and focuses in on getting Fai’s strength back.

“Hey,” he nudges Fai until he wakes up. His eyes are glassy, but once Kurogane sees they’ve focused in on him he talks. “Made you soup.”

Fai sits up, the room seems darker than it had when he had woken up earlier. “How long was I sleeping.”

“Few hours.”

He kisses his teeth. “What a waste of a day.”

Kurogane pushes the soup into Fai’s hands. “We’ll make up for it.”

“I don’t believe you. That snow storm must of piled inches of snow out there.”

“Yeah, but I found a few pairs of snowshoes.”

“Are you serious?” When Kurogane doesn’t respond Fai grins. “It’s about fucking time we catch a break.”

Kurogane snorts, “That’s what I said.”

“Anything else?”

“Nothing else in the shed I found them in. I set some traps though, I’ll check them in the morning.”

“I wonder if there’s a house close by?” Kurogane raises an eyebrow, so he continues. “I mean, there’s equipment stored here. This is pretty remote even for a gas station. Somebody had to live close, it’s in the middle of nowhere.”

Kurogane’s eyes go wide as something clicks in his head.

“What?”

“Just - Just hold on.” His voice is a little frantic as he searches for the communicator. “There’s no fucking way -”

He finds it, sits down next to Fai, and opens the same set of maps he had earlier. “Jesus Christ.” He sits back, there’s no way - 

“What!” Fai shout, “What is it?”

Kurogane sits back up. “What do you see?”

Fai’s eyes scan the map looking for anything out of the ordinary, but only sees the same three points he’s already familiar with. “Jian’s excursion map and the one were using?”

“Look again.”

He does, but still doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to see. “Just tell me!”

“Fine. Here,” Kurogane points. “This is where Jian was heading to, right?”

“Yeah,” Fai says as he swallows some broth.

“It’s more east, not north, of his last known location.”

“And?”

“It doesn’t make sense.”

“What doesn’t?”

He points to the area the signal came from. “Why would Jian have been over here?”

Fai’s becoming irritable the less he understands. “So? You said it yourself. Somebody probably found it and started fixing it.”

“Exactly. So why would they be fixing it here?” He points to the map again. “This area is thirty  _ miles _ away from where Jian was and even further from where Jian was heading.”

“I don’t know? Maybe they live there? Why does this-” Fai’s eyes go wide and he turns to Kurogane, finally understanding. “Somebody lives there. Somebody lives where the signal came from.”

“That’s my fucking point!” A weight lifts from his chest knowing Fai has come to the same conclusion he has. “If somebody lives there, there could be a camp or something. Off the grid from the government controlled ones.”

Fai leans against the wall, his limbs loose for the first time in days. “There’s no way to know for sure though.”

“No.”

They stay silent a few moments, the wood in the trashcan crackles. “So, we have two options. Turn around, and hope we make it back. Or, keep going and hope we find a settlement.”

“A settlement full of people who aren’t going to try and kill us.”

Fai reaches out and takes Kurogane’s hand. “What do you want to do?”

“We barely have enough food to make it there. We don’t have enough food to make it back.” They’re already weak as it is, they can’t skimp on meals anymore than they already are. 

“And if we get there and there’s nothing?”

“We’ll probably be able to make it back here for shelter and we keep setting traps.”

“Okay. Let’s do it.”

 

~O~

 

_ Things are different when he comes home. _ _ “ _ _ You like him, don’t you?” It’s a question he never thought he would have to ask Kurogane. Not because he thought Kurogane wouldn’t  _ eventually _ like somebody, besides him of course, it’s just that there’s never been a part of Kurogane he didn’t understand. _

_ “What?” The question catches Kurogane off guard. Jian’s met Fai a total of one time and he’s already - _

_ “C’mon. Don’t you think he’s kind of, I don’t know, pretty?” _

_ Kurogane swallows, deciding to play it off. “Who?” _

_ Jian pushes his hair out of his face. “Fai. Obviously.” _

_ Kurogane turns away, frowning. “Kind of sounds like you like him.” _

_ He grins. “Well I don’t hate him.” The smile slips from his face. “You do like him,  right?” _

_ Kurogane pauses, “We’re just friends.” He’s not  _ lying _ , he’s just withholding - and that’s different, right? He looks across the table, Jian is watching him. “Stop staring, you look like a fucking creep.” _

 

~O~

 

_ Fai throws his cards down. “I fold.” _

_ “You’ve folded almost every round. Thought you were good at poker.” Kurogane teases, without taking his eyes off Jian.  _

_ “I am!” Fai pouts. “You just - you can always tell when I’m bluffing, so it’s pointless to try.” _

_ Kurogane shrugs, passing two chips over one another in his right hand. “Not my fault your tell is so obvious.” _

_ “Bullshit,” Jian says. “I haven’t been able to spot it once.” _

_ “That’s a difference in skill level.” _

_ “You’re such a fucking asshole.” _

_ Kurogane grins. “Raise.” He throws his chips in. _

_ “Goddammit.” Jian throws his cards down, “Fold.” _

_ “Told you it’s a difference in skill.” Kurogane flips his cards and Jian groans. _

_ “Did I really just lose to a pair of twos!” _

_ Kurogane stands and walks past him, putting a hand on Jian’s shoulder. “Try to suck less next round. Gotta take a leak.” _

_ Jian rolls his eyes and starts to deal out the new round. “Stop staring. You look like a creep.” _

_ “What -” Fai’s voice is rushed. “I’m not starting at anything.” _

_ “Yeah. Okay.” The room goes quiet. It always does when Kurogane leaves them alone. “You like him, right?” When Fai doesn’t respond he looks over. Fai has his hand guarding the bottom half of his face and he won’t make eye contact. “You totally do.” _

_ More silence. “It doesn’t matter.” _

_ Jian raises an eyebrow.  _

_ “It’s not like he likes me back.” _

_ Fai finally turns to him and Jian snorts. “Yeah. He does - at least I think he does.” _

_ “That’s helpful.” _

_ “Well sorry, this is new ground for us.” _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ Jian shrugs. “Kurogane’s never really liked anyone before - as far as I know, and we’ve been friends a long time.” A pause. “Maybe he doesn't know what to do about it.” _

_ “He’s never liked anyone, like ever?” _

_ “Nope. Never really thought about it, but he’s pretty, uh, guarded.” _

_ “But, you think he likes me.” _

_ “Think. I’m not telling you for sure, because I don’t know either.” Jian looks at his cards. It’s not the worst hand he’s had. “But, I’ll help you find out.” _

_ “Really?” _

_ “Yeah. He’s different around you. He smiles more. I think you’d be good for him.” He takes a low card and switches it out with a random card in Kurogane’s hand. Nice.  _

_ “Are you serious?” _

_ “Yeah.” Jian’s starting to zone out of the conversation - he can probably bait Kurogane to bet high on this round and still win. _

_ Fai lets out a shriek. “What the fuck!” He grabs the back of his neck, suddenly cold. Kurogane is behind him putting a cold bottle of cola to his neck. _

_ Across the table Fai blushes when he looks to Kurogane, Jian rolls his eyes. _

_ “Redeal,” Kurogane says after a minute.  _

_ “Oh, c’mon.” Jian throws his cards down. _

_ “Like I’m stupid enough to start a round you dealt with nobody to watch you.” _

_ “Fai was here.” _

_ “He cheated.” Fai shrugs. _

_ “Fucking nark.” With a sigh, Jian relents. “Fine. Also, what kind of person doesn’t bring their best friend a coke.” _

_ “You’re not a guest.” _

_ “Uh, I don’t live here.” _

_ “You’re practically family. Go get it yourself.” _

_ “Boys,” Fai stands. “I’ll go grab another coke, I have to go to the bathroom anyway.”  _

_ “Thanks, man!” Jian calls after him. He redeals to the table. “You know, he blushes when he looks at you.” _

 

~O~

 

_ Kurogane sets his backpack down on his bed. Internally he goes through his checklist again, it’s only a week long trip to the south, but he doesn’t do a lot of long distance trips. Behind him, Jian teeters back and forth on a chair. “What? I know you want to say something.” _

_ “He asked me about you, again, like what your type is and stuff.” They’ve been playing this game for a few months now. Jian really doesn’t get why Kurogane won’t just say it out loud. He’s always had trouble expressing himself, but this seems clear as day. _

_ “Jian, fucking stop. Really, man.” _

_ “ _ Why _? I know he likes you and you like him and you’re about to go on that week long excursion with your dad and, I don’t know, what if you die and you never even told me that you’re like, basically, in love with-” _

_ “Fucking stop!” Kurogane yells, his head whips around to meet Jian’s eyes. “Why can’t you just let it go?” He takes a breath, but it does little to calm his anger. He’s so tired of having this conversation, nearly everyday for months. _

_ “I’m tired of you telling me how to feel, when I don’t even know how I feel! I’m fucking confused all the time! I’ve never had feelings like this about anybody. I don’t fucking know if it’s like or love or even, like, sexual! I just, I want to be around him. That’s enough for me. So just fucking lay off.” _

_ The silence that follows is tense. Jian doesn’t get it, but if Kurogane is this upset he’ll drop it, but only after he gets the final word. “He won’t wait around forever.” _

_ “Good. He shouldn’t wait at all.” _

 

~O~

 

_ Jian hoists his telescope up on his shoulder as he approaches the water tower. He’s not exactly sure how he’s going to climb the ladder with it, but he figures he’ll manage somehow.  _

_ Slowly, he makes his way up the ladder. The telescope clangs against the metal rungs and Jian hopes he’s not going to break the telescope’s lens in the process of trying to get up there. As he breaches the landing he hears movement to this left.  _

_ Setting his stuff down, he pulls out a flashlight. “Okay, who the fuck is up here?” _

_ “Jian?” Fai steps around the corner.  _

_ “Fai?” _

_ “I thought you were, I don’t know, an officer, or something.” _

_ “Sorry to disappoint.” Picking his stuff back up he turns to Fai. “Got a telescope.” _

_ “Oh?” _

_ “I found it on my last day-run. Didn’t looks broke, so I bought it back.” He grins, “Might be able to see some of the old satellites. Wanna stick around?” _

_ “It’s not like I have anywhere else to be.” _

_ “Hmm,” Jian acknowledges Fai as he sets up the telescope. “Why are you here anyway?” _

_ “Kuro use to bring me here when you were on your trip.” _

_ “Oh, yeah. This is where you guys were coming from the morning I met you. Must of forgot.” Jian bends over to look through the eyepiece. “Kuro?” He laughs as his mind reprocesses what Fai had said. “I think if I called him anything other than Kurogane he’d cave my face in.” _

_ “Really? He doesn’t seem to mind.” _

_ “No shit. It’s because it’s you.” _

_ “Sure.” _

_ Fai’s voice is flat, but Jian isn’t going to take the bait. As much as he thinks Kurogane is an idiot for refusing to acknowledge his feelings for Fai, his best friend has asked him to drop the subject. So, he’s done trying to reassure Fai that Kurogane has feeling for him, because, frankly, Jian’s starting to think he’s wrong. “It’s kind of surprising he showed you this place. He didn’t even show me for a while.” _

_ “That’s funny. I always kind of pictured you guys hanging out here as kids.” _

_ “Nah.” Jian makes a face as he stands back up. He knows jack shit about stars and constellations, but he’ll bullshit his way through anything. “I think he found it after his mom died. He comes here to be alone, doesn’t really invite me to go with him ever. I just show up and sometimes he’s here.” _

_ Fai pushes a piece of hair behind his ear. “Huh. That sounds like him.” _

_ “It’s a little bit like all of us.” Jian bends over again and adjusts the focus, he think he can see the crescent moon. _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ “Well,” he turns to Fai. “Why are you here?” _

_ Fai smirks. “To be alone.” _

_ “Exactly. Same reason I came here.” _

_ “Are you trying to tell me to leave?” Fai teases. _

_ “Nope. The company is nice, actually. At least when said company isn’t moping.” _

_ “I’m not moping!” _

_ “Sure, okay. Whatever you say, Mr. Sad Boy.” _

_ “Oh, fuck off.” _

_ Jian laughs. “Gotcha.” _

_ “Whatever.” Fai steps up next to him. “What are you looking at?” _

_ “The moon.” _

_ “Seems like and easy target.” _

_ “That’s exactly what I want. I’m no expert.” A short pause, “Yet.” _

_ “Kurogane said you were arrogant.” _

_ “Huh. That’s a big word for him.” _

_ Fai snorts. “It doesn’t make you a genius just because you know the scientific names for, like, every plant.” _

_ “Genius? I never said I was a genius, I prefer the word savant.” Jian grins at Fai who turns away to hid his amusement.  _ Huh, he is kind of pretty when he’s not fawning over Kurogane.

_ “Stop staring,” Fai says, suddenly. “You look like a fucking creep.” _

_ Jian blushes. He doesn’t turn away, just grins, and, maybe, just maybe, he sees Fai blushing too. _

 

~O~

 

_ Kurogane comes back from his expedition a day late. A radiation storm had taken them off course. But, Kurogane is fine. The three of them spend the rest of the day trying to sell the salvaged pieces Kurogane brought back. Towards the end of the night they drop Fai off at the boys home and the two of them start making their way back to their neighborhood. _

_ “Hey,” Jian says. “I wanted to talk to you about something.” _

_ Kurogane frowns. “You’re basically family, why the hell are you asking permission to talk to me about anything?” _

_ “Heh.” Jian rubs the back of his neck. “I’m not really sure.” _

_ “Well?” _

_ He takes a breath. In that moment he reassesses the week Kurogane had been gone. He hadn’t seen it in the few months since Kurogane introduced them, but it’s there now.  _

_ Jian remembers them helping the street rats steal popsicles from the mean man on the corner and how they’d sprinted away laughing because fuck authority, they’re teenagers and answer to nobody. Then there’s the day they stopped by the armory and bribed one of the guards for gunpowder so they could make fireworks. And how they spent the whole next day asking around town if anybody knew where they could find books on star constellations. _

_ Despite his demeanor, Jian doesn’t find most people interesting enough to keep around. He’d, really, only been tolerating Fai because it was so obvious Kurogane wanted him to make their duo a trio. Now, over the course of a week, Fai has a place in his life. He’s  _ fun _ is a way most other people aren’t. Not even Kurogane. _

_ “If I told you I like him, would you hate me?” _

 

~O~

 

_ The three of them are camping out in the potato fields under the open sky. It’s a warm day in spring.  _

_ Jian stares up at the sky, they found Mercury - he thinks. To his left is Fai, and to Fai’s left is Kurogane. They laid down a few hours ago, but Jian hasn’t been able to sleep. His mind races, not for any reason in particular - it just seems to do that when the three of them are together. Maybe it’s the lingering guilt. _

_ He hears movement to his left and looks over to Fai. He’s facing Kurogane and Jian can just barely make out Fai running a finger down the bridge of Kurogane’s nose. His heart aches.  _

_ “You’re only hurting yourself, blondie.” _

_ “I hate it when you call me that.” _

_ “Too bad, so sad.” _

_ “What? Are you, like, five years old?” _

_ “Nope. I’m exactly eight years old. Obviously.” _

_ Fai sighs, and turns over to face Jian. For a moment they stare at each other. Jian doesn’t turn away from it, he’s not the kind of man that would.  _

_ “He doesn’t like me, does he.” Fai’s voice is sad and soft, just a whimper that’s been given words. _

_ Jian’s lip pulls up in a plaintive smile. “I don’t know.” _

_ “I thought you guys knew everything about each other.” _

_ “So did I.” _

_ “You know, he kind of broke my heart. Without even trying.” _

_ “I know.” _

_ Fai rubs his eyes with the palm of his hand and laughs. “God. I’m an idiot.” _

_ Jian reaches out and runs his finger down the length of Fai’s nose, down over his mouth, before stopping at his chin. “Feelings don’t make you an idiot.” _

_ The pause that follows seems to drag on. Fai’s the first to respond. He swallows and looks away. “I’m kind of tired. I’m going to try to sleep again.” _

_ “Yeah. Okay.”  _

_ Fai turns over wordlessly.  _

_ Jian adjusts so his back is to Fai.  _ God _.  _ I’m such a fucking idiot.

 

 ~O~

 

_ The sky is gray and the rain comes down in sheets outside Kurogane’s window. If the two of them didn’t live in the same building Jian wouldn’t even bother coming to see Kurogane off.  _

_ The scene is familiar, they’ve seen each other off on more expeditions than not. Jian more often than Kurogane since he goes out once every few months and Kurogane goes once a month. _

_ “Are you guys even going to be able to leave tomorrow?” _

_ “Fuck if I know. I hate going out this time of year. It’s always humid as fuck.” Kurogane cracks his back, “You should come with us. So I don’t have to suffer alone.” _

_ “No thanks. Who will Fai bother if were both gone.” _

_ Jian watches Kurogane smile fondly at Fai’s name. _ I’m a piece of shit.

_ “Hey,” Kurogane looks to Jian. “Do you think there’s any reason we would stop being friends?” _

_ Kurogane looks grossed out. “No?” _

_ “What if I, like, wanted to get with your cousin. You guys are close right?” _

_ Kurogane takes a seat on the edge of his bed. He rests his elbows on his knees and laces his hands together. “I mean, we’re as close as cousins can be.” Confusion, “Do you like Tomoyo? She’s twelve.” _

_ “No!” Jian says quickly. “I just want to know if, hypothetically, I wanted to get with somebody you care about if that would be a deal breaker.” _

_ “I feel pretty dumb saying the obvious, but you’re my brother. I just want you to be happy.” _

_ “Okay.” Jian reaches back and adjusts the tag on his shirt, which is suddenly rubbing against his neck wrong. He looks away, refusing to meet Kurogane’s eyes as he says it. “If I asked him out, would we stop being friends?” _

_ It’s fear that makes him hesitate when he turns back to Kurogane. His eyes are wide, mouth unmoving. “No.” The word is dead, just a sound. _

_ Jian nods slowly, looking away. When has he ever been unable to meet his best friend’s gaze. “I know you told me to drop it, but I see how you look at him and I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t even care about him at first. It just snuck up on me, but I see it, Kurogane. But, if you... If you did like him, wouldn’t you tell me?” _

_ The silence seems to go on forever, an infinite loop of guilt racing around him. Telling him what a terrible person he is because he’s backed his best friend in a corner, giving him an ultimatum without phrasing it that way.  _ If you don’t tell him how you feel, I’m going to tell him how I feel.

_ “I don’t care.” Kurogane stands, grabbing his backpack as he does. He puts it at the foot of his bed. “We’re just friends.” _

_ Jian feels small. He knows he’s wrong, but he’s given Kurogane every opportunity, hasn’t he? If Kurogane insists Jian is wrong and that he doesn’t like Fai, shouldn’t he be allowed to accept that answer? He swallows the lump in his throat. “Are you sure?” _

 

  
~O~

 

Kurogane can tell Fai is half asleep when he lays down next to him. He seems to have recovered from whatever it was that had plagued him throughout the day - fatigue? Next to him Fai moves.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” Fai turns over, stretching his arms above his head and curving his back. “I feel a lot better.” He lets out a relieved sigh through his nose. “Thank you.”

Kurogane keeps himself propped up on his elbow so he can look down on Fai’s face. “For what?”

Fai grins, “Isn’t it obvious?”

“No.” Kurogane deadpans.

He relaxes his body, letting it fall back into the makeshift bed. For a moment, Fai just stares. Kurogane’s gaze is heavy on him and for the first time since they were kids it feels embarrassing. But, he doesn’t shy away. In fact his body shifts just a little closer, unconsciously seeking comfort from the days past. Not just the days spent traveling, but all the days they’ve spent apart. “For everything.”

Kurogane swallows, his mouth has gone dry. His chest feels endlessly hollow,  _ he always does this to you.  _ He glances away and adjusts so he’s laying down. “Not sure what you mean.”

“Oh. Are you being shy?”

He frowns. “No. You’re just being an idiot.” Kurogane starts to turn away so he can pretend to sleep and avoid these...  _ feelings.  _ Behind him, he can feel Fai’s presence and he hasn’t moved. He’s still close enough that Kurogane can feel his heat.

Fai swallows, a thought creeping in that he can’t help but say. “I mean it. Thank you for everything. I know you don’t like conversations like this, so just listen or something.

“When Jian didn’t come home, I felt empty - like everything had been scrapped out of me. And, when we stopped being,” he pauses, how would he even express what their relationship is? More than friends, but less than lovers? 

“When we stopped being  _ us,  _ I felt worse than empty - I felt lost. I’ve been lost since - I know you’ve seen it. But, ever since you came after me, even when we fought, I don’t feel lost anymore. Still kind of empty, but not as much.

“And I just want you to know that I never hated you. I could never. I wouldn’t have anything if it weren’t for you. I wouldn’t have you, or Jian, or the water tower, or poker night - I still don’t understand how you always know when I’m lying, but that’s besides the point.

“I - I just... You’re everything to me and when we get home, I don’t want it to be like it has been, and I know it can’t be like is was, but I want to be  _ us  _ again. Whatever that means anymore.” 

Moments feel like minutes when he finishes. Kurogane’s body doesn’t so much as twitch. Fai’s chest feels like it’s caving in,  _ I guess it’s too late. _ He swallows, “Good night.” Laying back down he puts his back to him and pulls the blankets high around his shoulders.  _ Why does it hurt so much? What was I even expecting from him? _

Kurogane struggles with the moment. He’s angry, not at Fai, just in general. He squeezes his eyes shut,  _ fucking hell, he has no idea, no fucking idea how much he hurts me.  _ He’s heard the hurt in Fai’s and as much as he wants to wallow in his own misery, brought on by hearing words he’s only dreamed of, but in a context different from what he’s imagined. He knows he needs to acknowledge Fai.

He turns over and with a breath he steadies his voice. “You don’t have a tell.”

Fai flips over immediately, the force of his movement leaves inches between them. “What?”

Kurogane’s left arm relaxes upwards of Fai’s head, his right lays between them. “I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Try.”

“You know that old saying? Something like  _ a tree in the forest,  _ no, fuck, that’s not it.” He takes a breath to let it come to him. “ _ If a tree fall in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it even make a sound?” _

“Yeah, I know it.”

“I hear the tree.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“I know. I told you.”

“So, you just know.”

“Yeah, I just know.”

Fai pulls his knees up, his toes brush over the top of Kurogane’s foot causing him to flinch away. “Sorry.”

“God. Why are your feet so cold?”

“I’ve always been cold.” Fai takes his finger and runs it down the length of Kurogane’s nose, down over his lips, only stopping when Kurogane catches his hand. “See, I’m basically an icicle.”

Kurogane glares back. “You’re an idiot.”

Fai smirks, meeting Kurogane’s eyes, “Yeah? I’ve never heard that one before.” His face softens, and Kurogane’s lip tilts up in a subtle smirk. It’s similar to the face Kurogane makes when he sleeps - vulnerable. But, it’s still a look Fai can’t place, one he’s sure he’s seen before, but only from the corner of his eye never full and unabashed. It makes his heart skip.

He casts his eyes down, unable to keep looking at Kurogane. “Stop staring, you look like a fucking creep.”

Kurogane snorts. “I didn’t realize you were still fifteen.”

“I wish, sometimes.”

“Why? Nobody wants to be fifteen again.”

“I wouldn't mind.”

“What would you even do?”

“I don’t know.” Fai looks up again only to glance away when he catches Kurogane’s eyes. “Do you ever think that your whole life could have been another story if you’d just done one thing different?”

“No.”

Fai chuckles. “Of course you wouldn’t. You don’t think like that.”

“If I want to do something I do it. Why think about changing something I wanted to do?”

A sad smile comes over Fai’s face. “You weren’t like that when you were fifteen.” The thought crosses his mind. It has a few times over the years in the way you might randomly remember a specific detail from an otherwise ordinary day.

Our past is so closely intermingled with our present. He’s never forgotten how it hadn’t been Jian, not at first. It’d been Kurogane before anything else. At the time Kurogane was everything to him. A solid presence when it felt like everything was falling apart. Fai had wanted him, in a way that was different from a childhood crush. Kurogane had been Fai’s first in that way.

The universe had other plans, but the feelings are still there, just different. For a moment, it occurs to him how similar friends and lovers are. Afterall, what is a your lover if they’re not your best friend?

“You were less direct, but so was I.” He wouldn’t take Jian back. If Kurogane was his first heartbreak, Jian was his first love. And, even though the feelings he once had may resurface like a phantom in his and the thoughts of  _ what if _ pass through his mind when he remembers that summer - “You’re right. I wouldn’t do anything different.”

The fire is starting to die out. “We should sleep,” Fai says as he begins to turn around. “We’re going to have a long day tomorrow.”

“Yeah. You can stay where you are though.”

Fai stops to look at Kurogane.

“It’s going to get cold. We’ll probably end up next to each other anyway. For warmth.”

Fai turns back towards Kurogane. “Don’t complain if my hands and feet get too cold.”

Kurogane watches Fai’s face as he falls asleep. His mouth relaxes and his breathing becomes shallow. He lifts his hand and runs his knuckle down the length of Fai’s nose, down over his mouth, stopping at his chin. His hand drops away.  _ Maybe one thing. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, Jian. Your time on this Earth was too short.
> 
> I felt it was important to give context to Jian and Fai's relationship. Like any Kurofai shipper I am 100% convinced they are destined soulmates in any and all universes.... that being said this whole fic kind of revolves around Fai loving somebody else, doesn't it? So why, if they had the opportunity to be together, are they not together? Well, because feelings are stupid - well, actually, it's because Kurogane is ~*~*~*~demisexual~*~*~*~ Er, well, he's on the ace spectrum somewhere. He can tell you if your boyfriend is hot, but that doesn't mean he has the hots for him, ya dig? And they aren't together _because_ Kurogane is demi, but more because Kurogane didn't know how to process liking Fai.... or something like that. 
> 
> Either way! Next chapter is on the work bench, though the work bench has been collecting some dust since my cat passed away. [Here's](https://imgur.com/a/eVVhQGo) an album of photos because she's too beautiful not to share. She went too soon, just like Jian.
> 
> So what's in store for the next chapter? Beats me! I just scraped half of what was written! But, if you need your KuroFai fix with a different twist, you know where my archive is!
> 
> Kudos are like a frappe from Starbucks, but comments? They're like a frappe from literally anywhere else, always better for just a little more effort. Don't go to Starbucks if you don't have to is what I'm saying. 
> 
> Comment solicitation aside, Starbucks is horrible. Fight me on this. 
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> (づ￣ ³￣)づ

**Author's Note:**

> Part one ~ Fin
> 
> Part of me wonders if I'm writing a KuroFai fic at all - just kidding! I swear I am... if you squint, maybe? It's going to happen sometime after that other thing but before the OTHER thing... who's looking forward to sad comfort sex?!?!?! *head desk*
> 
> Welp! Next time we'll find out if Fai dies trekking across the forest in winter! 
> 
> Will Kurogane follow him? C'mon now. 
> 
> Will we found out more about why this is a post apocalyptic setting? Probably. 
> 
> Will my lack of world building and knowledge of cutting edge technology be my downfall? Uh. 
> 
> Will the fact I live in a desert and never been camping in my life become increasingly apparent!?! Okay, wow, these questions are getting oddly specific.
> 
> Remember kids, if you give a mouse a cookie, they'll wanta glass of milk - so, if you give a writer a kudos, they'll and a nice comment to go with it!
> 
> Until next time!


End file.
